The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
01/16/15
You've managed to bring to light important issues regarding, 1--virginity, and 2--the dedication to faith and self.

This was an excellent read and completely on topic and presented in a realistic fashion. This is a timely and excellent reminder to those who are involved in relationships such as these.

Well done, and I loved the ending. Love happy endings!!

Great job with this.

God bless~
01/16/15
Wow! you tackled this topic head on. And you did it all while keeping me following you.

Great job. Thanks for sharing.
01/18/15
You've portrayed the snare of sexual fantasy very well, but I feel your switch to reality is a little too sudden - even with a minute to go.
Could I suggest the revelation arriving via a sudden voice from the past breaking through into your MC's mindset...
01/18/15
You have covered the topic well leaving little to the reader's imagination. You also delivered a clear message, though I thought it might benefit by introducing the change of heart earlier, maybe by a random thought or a memory. Only my humble opinion though.
01/18/15
Reality check for me. I have it so good with my husband that this kind of thing is so foreign to us. We make it a point to not watch anything sexual on TV or computer. You know it is happening around you, but this really brought an awareness to me.

So glad this had a good ending. I think if you put a little more emphasis on his knowing what he was doing was wrong, according to his upbringing, would have made it more believable. Great job though. Blessings, LaVonne
I think you did an awesome job of showing the difference between lust and love. I really felt like I knew your MC. You did a great job developing him.

I noticed some stuff that wasn't essential to the story that might bog the reader down some. If you feel like they are needed, use them to show the emotional state of the MC. For example this line:
Hearing the taxi arrive I ensure the door is securely locked behind me, then board the taxi.
could be changed into this:
When I heard the taxi arrive, tremors attacked my arms, making me drop my keys as I tried to lock the door. Climbing into the cab, I refused to look the driver in the eyes. Man, somehow he knows what I'm going to do tonight. He's looking at me with disapproval. The driver cleared his throat, "C'mon, buddy, where to?"
Exhaling, my tension momentarily released, I announced the address.

I took some liberties, but by using thoughts and dialog, you can show the reader the emotional state while still moving the story onward.

I found myself rooting for your MC. When he started dreaming about marrying this girl, I wanted to scream, "Turn around!" I think you did a fine job of wrapping the story up too. The ending was perfect. You did a great job of building the suspense until the end. Congratulations on ranking 6th in your very competitive level. Happy Dance!
I try not to read comments before commenting myself. I think if you add some of the emotional turmoil like I suggested, it wouldn't have seem so sudden to the other commentors. I would guess anyone, especially this MC, would be going back and forth in his head. I really liked what you did. I've never written a piece that I couldn't improve no matter how many times I tweak it, so for the time period allotted, you did an awesome job on this one. Don't allow Satan or anyone to steal your victories. This story is a victory for sure and I whole-heartedly believe God has or will use it in ways you can't imagine. Keep your chin up and your eyes on the Lord! So said my momma!