The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/15/15
A beautiful story and entry. Well written and uplifting.

God bless~
01/16/15
Beautifully written, engaging tale.
This was very well written and full of great description to fill my mind with visuals.
01/19/15
A very interesting and enjoyable read!
01/22/15
Congrats!
God bless~
Congratulations on ranking 2nd in your level and 24 overall! The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.
I really enjoyed this. I think your take on the topic was out-of-the-box and interesting. I enjoyed relating to these two angels.

For me personally, the beginning was a tiny bit slow. I may have added some suspense and dialog right out of the box to pull the reader in right off. For example: One day Glor and Glow found a battered trunk. Glow reached over to open it, but Glor yanked him away. "What do you think you're doing?"

Glow pointed to the rusty latch. "I'm going to open it and see what's inside."

Rolling her eyes, Glor sighed. "You don't need to open it. Can't you feel the... Well, I guess I'd call it despair emanating from it?"

Nodding, Glow stepped back. "I do feel something weird, but I thought it was just me. Do you think the gloomy clouds forming above it have something to do with that tightening I feel? Like a sense of impending doom is attached to it."

I know I took a lot of liberties with it, but I wanted to show you a way to show the readers what the MCs were feeling instead of telling. You do a splendid job in the rest of using dialog to convey those emotions. You have a fantastic message and you really nailed the topic. I truly enjoyed the read and it made me stop and think about how angels must sometimes react to our human emotions. One of my favorite parts was when you clearly demonstrated the triune God. People often forget that we serve a three-in-one God and I believe we need to show that more in our writings. My son is a seminary student, and I've learned a lot from him. He'd be super impressed at how you included Father, Son, and Spirit. Again, congratulations on a great story!