The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
11/30/13
So sad...well written story, but such a sad outcome.

God bless~
11/30/13
This is a sad story, but told very nicely. Definitely a wolf in sheep's clothing. That's where discernment comes in. Those who know God are able to know an evil spirit is present.

I like the ending, where everyone was praising him for solving the case, but the victory was not so sweet knowing someone's life was over.
Thanks for trying to look at my article. I think I have it fixed now. Blessings, LaVonne
12/01/13
You tell the story very well and the conversations are realistic.

My red ink is two fold.

I think the story could have had a greater hook bu using stronger words. Words like 'set down' and the dectives name are very passive. Something more like:

"Darn! No weekend off again." Clarence spat out his dissappontment as he slammed down the receiver.

Of course this may not suit your character, I'm just presenting an example.

Secondly the paragraph break between five and six threw me a little. I saw the inverted commas were not closed after five, but really para six simply continued the discription of para five. My first reaction was that Clarence was now giving the description he had asked for (that was when I looked for the inverted commas) My opinion only, five and six should be one paragraph.

I think you did an excellent job of keeping the suspense going once you were up and running and I felt the story unfolded not only well but right on topic.

Blessings.
12/13/13
Beatiful presentation, it really got & held my attention..... such a pity that it's based on a true story.