The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 679 times
Member Comments
This is a fascinating story. Some of your descriptions were spectacular. It would have been interesting to see more of the MC's reactions to things. You may want to be careful with phrases like this: Greens dance their own kaleidoscopic tale of lushness. Emeralds and jades, aquamarines and limes.
It's a fine line between showing and purple prose and not always easy to balance it. I think the ending was a touch of genius and I'm not often surprised by the ending. I was eager to see what the conflict would be in this idyllic story and then you introduced the hurricane and the story took on a totally different vibe. Well done.
I enjoyed your story and descriptive writing. I was wondering where the 'park' theme fitted and then it came in, at the end. I was surprised to find that the scene was only on screen. The contrast with the devastated park was stark. It seemed to me that you changed tenses here and there rather than sticking to past or present tense. And, perhaps your extremely rich descriptions were just a little too 'rich' and therefore a tiny bit overwhelming in such a short passage of writing. (Just my opinion though)Well done.
I agree you have some superb descriptions adding a lot of visuals to your piece,but to keep the pace moving it might help to intersperse them with the MC's thoughts or body language that would contrast with the scenes and leave the reader wondering until that surprise ending. Good work!