Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: PICNIC - deadline 7-12-12 @ 9:59 AM NY Time (07/05/12)
-
TITLE: Swimming Is No Picnic At the Lake | Previous Challenge Entry
By
07/05/12 -
LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
SEND A PRIVATE COMMENT
ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Anna and I had previously worked in sandwich shops, so we were gung-ho to show Chris and Todd just how professional we could be when it came to the art of sandwich making. So, off we went to the local IGA to stock up on all the fixings - red wine vinegar, dried oregano, olive oil, prosciutto di Parma, capicola, Genoa salami, Provolone, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, hoagie rolls , chips pickles, sodas, beer – the whole nine yards.
Chris and Todd enjoyed the meal that we had prepared and we all enjoyed watching the children playing in the lake. So, since it was hot outside and they all seemed to be enjoying it, we decided to take a dip, too – that is, until we actually hit the water. It was so cold that all four of us ran back out of it as quickly as we had gone in, and none of us could understand why, when we had stayed in the water for hours just a few years earlier when we were closer in age to them, we were no longer able to handle it (and Anna had been on the swim team and had been a lifeguard, too). But, for the first time in all of our 21, 22, and 24 years, we finally understood why our mothers always said that our skin and our lips were blue whenever we had stayed in the water too long, and from that moment on, swore that we would never risk our lives like that again.
Shortly after that, the police arrived, and all three of them were in their bathing suits, too – each saying, “Don’t worry. If something happens in the town, we will leave.” Luckily, no crimes were committed in our town that day, and we all enjoyed our small town picnic by the lake.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
Accept Jesus as Your Lord and Savior Right Now - CLICK HERE
JOIN US at FaithWriters for Free. Grow as a Writer and Spread the Gospel.
I yearned for even more details or some type of a conflict. Perhaps add some dialog about the boys teasing your sandwich making ability and you setting off to prove them wrong. Another idea might be to turn this into a devotional with a matching Bible verse and a prayer.
The memory is important to you after all of these years. I like that you shared such a vital part of coming into adulthood with me. I can totally relate to how little kids can handle the cold water when we adults do turn blue. Nice job.
One suggestion would be to break up your long sentences a bit. I felt almost out of breath reading one of them! :)
I'm also one of those people who has difficulty chopping sentences into smaller bites. I work on it constantly.
Your second last paragraph is too busy and needs to be broken up. This would help you to fill out a good story and wrap it up without leaving loose ends, for you still had over 300 words within the limit.