The Official Writing Challenge
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Good one here! I like the flash back and between the different times, this was pretty good. I especially liked the twist at who this crippled man was. nice job.
I loved the commentary on hypocrisy, so very true then and now. And I could not cast the first stone either...
I wasn't sure about using the second person in this story, since when you brought it up to date the 'you' changed from the beggar to the donor.
That said, the emotions of the man, the hopelessness, and the joy came shining through.
Ooooohhhh, I did so like the last paragraph. What a twist, a pinch, a nudge. Maybe the up-to-date part could have been third person as well - a snapshot of someone driving into church and the beggar at the entrance... That may have been less personal though. Hmmmmm. Great, great story, so well written with excellent characterization of the beggar. Little things like the coins jingling, Peter clapping his hands... brought me right in.
I like the ending. It does make me think of what I would do. The story is well written and gives a personal feel to the Bible story.
Enjoyed the entry, excellent piece and the last paragraph made it more personal for me.
I sure was mad at those pompous jerks until the last paragraph hit me right between the eyes. Ouch! I needed that. Hallelujah for all the Peters and Pauls in the world who do care.
Excellent...I love biblical fiction, and you did a great job with it. Well done.
This well-written, Bible-based story has such an important message! I like the way you challenge us to look at our own hypocrisy here and now, instead of simply judging those temple-goers of the past! Good job!
No Gerry, you didn't fail with your final paragraph. It fitted beautifully. Well done.
Imaginative story.I'm also on the opposing team as regards the last line. I think your story would have worked perfectly well as a straightforward Bible story. The twist is very clever but the change of perspective spoiled it for me. Had you kept the beggar in the second person, the ending would have been a lot more forceful.
That said, it's well written and leaves the reader feeling very uncomfortable.
I have seen this particular story retold many times before, but I can honestly say that this was the best retelling I have ever read. You put me in the mind and body of the beggar. This was so good! I think the ending works either way - with or without that final paragraph. I personally liked that final paragraph, because it challenges me as a reader to get off my hiney and do something for someone in need.