The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
04/17/09
You vividly describe the scene at the house and at the cemetary. Well done! I did notice a verb tense out of place, "raise."
04/20/09
You have excellent descriptions here and a smooth way of telling a story.

If I may suggest one or two things, an mc who sobs too much can have an opposite effect on the reader. Better to write about the memories or the issues that would bring someone to tears, instead of the tears themselves. Also, after a few well-placed details, your word usage might be better spent on some more actual memories within the house or with the strained relationship between she and her father.

I offer these suggestions to you even as I acknowledge the gift that lies within you. Keep writing...you have God-given talent!
04/21/09
There is so much more of this story I would love to read--darn that word limit.

I am the queen of commas, but I felt like there were some unnecessary commas throughout this piece. I found myself pausing at each comma, which broke up the feel of the piece.

You did a good job bringing out her emotions. You have a very good storytelling writing style.