The Official Writing Challenge
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There is a LOT of passion in this story which is good and the message is even more important.

However, I don't know how the two scenes tie in together. I think sticking w/ one or the other would have been more powerful.

The stories sort of left me hanging in that neither were really resolved.

But, I state again, the message is powerful. Polish it and you have a winner!
This has a great message. At first I thought it was fiction, just being told, not shown, then I thought it was an article--either approach would work. A story that's heartbreaking because there's so much truth in it (whether it's fiction or not).
It is the job of all of us who are children of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords to talk and keep talking about Jesus who came to earth and died on an old rugged cross, so that we could have a chance for eternal life.

We need to try to rescue all this generation who don't know God!

This story is just one of a few that happens in a lot of our neighborhoods.

May God Bless us and give us courage to spread his truth in the highways and byways of life.

May the Son always shine on your pathway.