The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 907 times
Member Comments
A very nice tribute. You really grabbed my attention at the beginning. I could feel the tension, etc., but as it continued, I seemed to lose the connection. I know the word limit gets in our way, but I think it might have helped to see some of the sergeant's struggles during recovery.
You put me right in the middle of this - very good descriptions. I love the last line of your note. Good stuff.
This is a wonderful tribute to our men and women who, through the centuries have fought to protect our freedoms. Your descriptions in your opening paragraph took me right to the battleline. Despite the loss of a leg, your MC took what happened, knowing God allowed it. (I like that thought.) Really nice work on this.

Your last quote "All gave some, some gave all" was one "Freedom Rock" one year. (It's near Greenfield, IA--you can google it).
Wow! I felt like I was on the battlefield, too. I don't know how these men can do it. Thank you for this lesson today, that giving up is not an option. I really needed to hear that today, especially. Thank you:)
Gripping opening that arrested my attention straight off. Great story and message. God bless.
Your descriptions made me feel like I was right in the middle of the battle. Great job.

Red ink: I would have liked to see a bit more of the MC's thoughts. It seemed like his determination to get well was too matter of fact.
Powerful story! I would have liked it even better with more showing, less telling. Otherwise, very good job.
You know I love this, Naye. The descriptions are wonderful, and the writing is very good. Thumbs up.
This is just gripping, your words put me right in the center of the battle, and held my attention to a perfect ending.
Wonderfully written. We truly have no idea what these men and women go through. Thank God for men like Sgt. Talbert who forget their own pain to help others in pain.
I too, would liked to have seen more of his struggles during recovery, but that is probably the only red ink I can think of.
Well done Naye.
This was gripping from the start. Well done. I really like that you placed this emotion in the piece:

Jason’s last thought before he lost consciousness was of his children.
God, don’t let me die, I can’t bear the thought of leaving my kids alone. Please don’t let my kids grow up without their dad.
The first half of this is VERY compelling, and written in a very you-are-there style. Excellent!

The second half is a bit more "telling", but nevertheless a fitting tribute to our brave wounded.

FYI--the phrase "audible sound" is redundant; can you think of a different phrase that would work better? And there's a bit in the 10th paragraph where you slip into 2nd person (you). 3rd person would be more powerful there.

I love this guy's spirit--he's a real hero.
Wow. I was hooked immediately. Great writing, great story. My little army man is still on my kitchen window sill as a visual prayer reminder. I've got to go find a tissue.
Yes, a little more tension within the character would have made this stronger—he's a little too good to be true. Also, you should probably write out titles like Corporal and Sargeant. I'm quoting a recent editing course I took: "Do not begin a sentence with an abbreviation" also, "professional titles should be abbreviated only when combined with both a first and last name."
Great tribute.
your title fits this piece. It is a lovely tribute to our unspoken heroes. Your last line was just perfect. Thanks for sharing this! ^_^
You really succeeded in putting your reader in the midst of the action, as well as paying tribute to our brave soldiers. Your descriptions were great.