The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
07/17/21
Oh, I like this a lot! You are so descriptive. I could picture myself right there with you. The only thing I would suggest is that you use spaces between the paragraphs. There was a couple words that needed to be plural, if memory serves me. Thank you for this beautiful entry. It put a smile on my face. I traveled with you!
This is full of lovely descriptions. I especially like how you describe many different senses. Instead of telling, you could pull the reader in even more by using dialing, body language, and thoughts. For example: I gasped, grabbed Norm's arm, and whispered, "Look at the orange and black butterflies. Wow!"
It's just a little change but will help the reader feel the emotions of the MC. Also be careful about the universal you. Instead of refresh your soul, say refresh my soul. You have some beautiful descriptions and make some great points. You've an excellent start on your memoirs and, with some minor tweaking, you'll have a lovely book.
07/20/21
Such delicious descriptions!
Thank you for your lovely entry.
You wrote: "Traveling at a steady pace down the dirt path was a desert tortoise focused on its destination. Ignoring us."
I think that would have better presented as one complete sentence or maybe using a ; in between destination and ignoring.
07/22/21
CONGRATULATIONS on your third place status. I remember your entry and I am so happy you proved your writing skills.