The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Ooh, I like this. Great job!
07/09/21
I am totally impressed with this entry. I have to tell you that you ending surprised me. Nice job!!!
07/09/21
Did forget to mention that the fact that you did not leave spaces in your entry was a slight distraction to the entirety of the piece. But that's a quick fix when you copy and paste your next entry. Again, excellent writing!
07/10/21
I enjoyed your creative take on this topic, including your clever title!
This is quite brilliant in my opinion. I thought it quite clever and you grabbed my attention immediately. The one thing I'd suggest would be to do even more showing. Instead of telling what people said or the MC thought, use quotes and thoughts in italics. Try to stay away from -ly words and describe instead how slyly and loudly look and impact the characters. You've a great start at it already, but leaving out unnecessary words like literally will tighten it up some and leave you with more words to describe reactions. You nailed the topic in a fresh way. The ending is excellent. Many are tempted to tie things into a neat bow. I'm impressed you didn't fall into that temptation. The message is powerful, but you don't hit the reader over the head with it. Outstanding writing.
07/11/21
I thoroughly enjoyed your entry.
Well done.
07/11/21
Your story is very intriguing. Sadly, it is a story that happens in reality every day. Many people turn away from Jesus, in favor of the world's measure of success. Then when they "get" what they think they wanted, many times they realize that they still feel unfulfilled and empty. That is because Jesus created a void in each of our hearts that can truly only be filled by Him. Great job.
07/14/21
Great story!
07/15/21
Congratulations on your first place win!
07/15/21
Congratulations on placing 1st place. The story is highly creative. It DOES need far more showing, rather than telling and more active verbs over passive. I think if you reworded it to have the final words be, "Was it worth it?" it would leave a huge, lasting impact on the reader! God bless!
I was so happy to see this ranked 1st in your level and 14 overall. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards
07/21/21
The best challenge submission I've ever read on here. Shan always has good advice in making the writing of our articles better, and some others I find very helpful as well...but in reading it, I didn't notice it needed any help at all. Loved it! Congratulations!