Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: COMPUTER (05/19/16)
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TITLE: Aimless Station | Previous Challenge Entry
By Don Buschert
05/23/16 -
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"I see it!" Kain pushed himself along the wall to the next window about five meters away. Floating behind him was a shorter human figure, fully comfortable being weightless.
"It's too dark out there. Is there any way to activate lights?" asked Kain.
"I don't know," replied the short one.
Kain fumbled around in one of his jumpsuit pockets. He pulled out a small flashlight, activated it, and placed it against the glass hoping to see.
"I still can't see much. There's lettering on the side, but I can't make it out." Kain turned around and looked at the short one who was hovering behind his right shoulder. "You've got infrared vision, right Doc?"
"Yes."
"Can you see the lettering?" Kain looked into Doc's face as his yellow eyes narrowed.
"I see it."
"Well what does it say?"
"I don't recognize those characters."
Kain pushed away, moving to his left to the next window, then continued undeterred to the airlock. Doc floated effortlessly behind him.
"What are you doing Kain?" asked Doc.
"I've got to get on that ship."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Oh really? Is there something you're not telling me?" Kain activated the airlock door, it slid open and he quickly somersaulted inside, swiftly closing and locking the door before Doc could follow.
"Kain, this is not necessary."
"Doc, this ship may hold clues as to why I'm stuck here on this station. So don't try to stop me."
"I was afraid you would say that."
"We've been through this a thousand times. The stations' computer won't answer my questions. Why am I here? Why have my memories been erased? Why am I the only human on this junk heap? Don't you get it Doc; I don't know who I am. The only clue I have is that Bible I found. And you're not much help."
Kain activated the control to open the airlock door serving the docked ship. The controls went red. Kain banged his fists on the door and let out a string of colourful curses.
"Computer, please open this airlock door!"
The door remained closed.
"Doc, can you talk some sense into it!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that Kain. Please leave the airlock and come back into the station."
"Who's side are you on?"
"Kain, I am programmed to keep you alive. And that is why you must come out of the airlock."
Kain didn't like the sound of that. Looking around, he noticed three EVA units. He crawled in one and the small hatch closed and sealed behind him. The air gauge read six hours. More than enough time to find a way out of the airlock and board the docked ship. It must have an auxiliary hatch, he thought.
Kain put his arms in the EVA sleeves and felt the glove controls. He moved the EVA's fingers, the powerful servos responding to his touch. He'd punch a hole in the wall if he had to.
He fired a small thruster and the EVA floated over to the exterior hatch control panel. A low hissing sound went off as Kain activated the depressurization sequence. Pumps were now working away, removing the air. In a few moments this airlock would be a vacuum.
"Kain, you need to stop and come back inside," said Doc calmly through the EVA's speakers.
Kain ignored Doc, the lights in the airlock turned red, signifying a vacuum. Kain keyed in the commands to open the exterior hatch.
Nothing.
"Open the hatch door," ordered Kain.
There was no response.
"Computer," said Kain, exasperated. "I order you to open the hatch."
Again, no response. Kain moved the EVA’s fingers to a wall panel beside the door. They may have erased my memories, but I still know airlocks, thought Kain. The fingers spun and deftly removed the panel, exposing complex circuitry. Kain reached in with the mechanical fingers and expertly did something for a moment. Suddenly the locks on the hatch loosed with a series of small successive bangs. The hatch slowly opened, and with a slight kick, Kain floated out into the cold, dark black void of space.
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My one suggestion would be to try not to use as many adverbs (often -ly words). Instead pick verbs that pop. For example:
Kain pushed off the rail and wobbled to the window. His stomach somersaulted, yet he held back the urge to vomit. Microgravity didn't agree with him; but after a few tries, he managed to cling to the bars around the window.
You can see I didn't change a lot because you did have some great words that stand on their own.
I think you definitely wrote on topic in a fun and interesting way. I liked your body language and how you managed to paint a great picture for the reader.
I agree with Shann, and am offering a few more examples of ways you might further tighten the story. Removing redundancies, such as dark, black, leaves you more words to enhance the tale elsewhere. Be assured, I only take the time/effort to offer this level of red ink when I already think highly of your writing.
Kain activated the airlock door, it slid open and he dove inside, smacking the button to close and lock the door before Doc could follow.
Kain pummeled the door and spat a string of colourful curses.
"Kain, you need to stop and come back inside," droned Doc's monotone through the EVA's speakers.
"Computer," shouted Kain. "I order you to open the hatch."
Kain reached in with the mechanical fingers and manipulated something. Suddenly the locks on the hatch loosed with small successive bangs. The hatch eased open, and with a slight kick, Kain floated out into the cold, black void of space.
Blessings~
Great job!