The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Interesting, and a good start. Work on punctuation and some basic grammar techniques and you will have a good story to tell.
Yes, this is a good story. Like Dub said, it would be good if you could get someone to help you with the flow of your writing so that each scene flows easily into the next. it would heat up the story too to get a lot more of the five senses into the writing - touch, sight, taste, hearing, smell.