The Official Writing Challenge
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Add a chorus and you have the lyrics to a Christian, rock possibly, song. Work on rhythms and this could be viable.
You have a lot of depth in this, and you are obviously very visual, as you have done a great job of describing what you see in your head.
I think the long lines make it harder to read. Try this:
Chagrined and shocked and awash in fury,
even Hell's work arrives
at a glorious end as,
bathed in the falls of Christ's affection and claim and nearing His design,
my mind and will find a shortening path to restoration,
rejoicing, clean to clearly see His hand remaining -
my wound no longer bleeds.
I'm gonna contradict Sally here, Jeff. Changing the length of the lines will upset the rhythm, the beats just wouldn’t work. Also you wouldn’t then have line endings that jettison the reader into the next line. I love the way you have universalized the experience and allure of sin rather than listing specific sins, thus the reader is in the position to look at their own life. I love your one line of alliteration: ‘From Hell's pallid schemes and tangled, poisonous, plotting deeds.’ And the finish! So powerful and nuanced. Do you read the metaphysical poets? If you don’t, do! My experience is that hinting this late in the FW week will not glean you many hits, however, I’m gonna post this link over in Poet’s corner. This is recommended reading! Excellent work.
Wow. This was truly vivid. I'm gonna agree with Val on this. Well done!