The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 1270 times
Member Comments
Beautiful -and I'm so glad he had the grace to learn from a littl'un! Good stuff
Wonderful story!
This story has a wonderful "awwwww" factor. The language was a bit strong for me--they may have been euphemisms, but they still caused me to gulp a bit. I understand, though, that you were establishing a character. The sweet innocent wisdom of the little girl is very precious.
Very engaging story. One of those things that makes me realize that I complain too much about things that really don't matter. Well done.
This is absolutely great! Great voices and characters. You did a fantastic job!
Sometimes a slap in the face doesnt work... it needs the smile of a child to drive it home... well done.. very well done.
Powerful message. Well written. It sure makes one stop and think how great we really have it.
Aww...very sweet, and very touching.
This is a really great story, with a great message! And a creative way of approaching the topic - well done on that.

I found the language to be somewhat distracting. You could still convey your characters adequately without shortening so many words. ie. keep the stilted sentences, but make most of the words complete.

That's my only criticism, though. I really liked this story (aside from the nasty memories of being the mom of an aisle-five puker!).
Great story - right on topic. The characters were real and the dialogue flowed nicely. Very well done!
My daughter was on steroids several times for ADEM when she was younger and is now on Avonex. This girl reminds me so much of her. Good Job!!
Lessons from a child, well written. One of my favorite entries this time around.
Great job. I love the whole thing. The dialouge was natural, the situation beleivable and the little girl a perfect angel. Congratulations, this is excellent.
This is well constructed, well thought out, and the pace is right on. The last 2/3 of the piece are as good as anything that I've read so far this week(and I've read all the advanced and Masters!). It felt like your natural writing voice... there was passion, emotion, the words just flowed. It was so well put together that it made the initial scene in the breakroom feel forced. The dialect wasn't natural, although the topic and sentiments certainly were. My suggestion... forget the dialect. Start the story with Jason cleaning the floor. Bring the emotions of wanting to quit out as he's doing that. Then bring in the girl. That way your natural voice and talents will shine through the obvious strength of this piece. Most excellent work!
Congrats Tim! The dialect did seem a bit forced, but aside from that - this was my top pick of the week!
Well deserved, Tim. This is a very realistic look at life with God's fingerprint on it.

I dunno though, I kind of like the dialog, would suggest only toning it down to the meat though. I say this ONLY because I've had the displeasure of parking in the closest fast-food parking lot of the local high school and had my ears nearly burned off (gads, sound like my Grandmother) with the bombardment of disrespectful words made common in their conversations. Maybe if you could get the point across by discribing action in place of words, the sulky attitudes and such. (don't you love being limited to 750 words?)

Congrtas though on winning!
This is incredible. beautiful job. made me cry...still crying!
Congratulations on your well deserved ribbon! If I had read this before I would have predicted it - GREAT story, touched the heart of this reader, to the point of "lumps" in the throat. Thank you!
I'm still dabbing tears here. I loved that this was so strong I felt like I was eavesdropping from aisle 6 watching the whole thing. So well crafted and emotional.
What a beautiful story. It's good to read those stories that make you realize how truly blessed you really are.
You created a little girl that's a keeper in my heart.
This is beautiful. I feel in love with the little girl. We all can certainly learn from her.