The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Your article is engaging. I can't see anything that could improve what you have written. I think you should try writing in the next level up, now :)
This is quite beautiful. You do a wonderful job of painting a picture. The main thing I would encourage is to use actual dialog, both yours, others, and God's words. Use body language and dialog to paint a picture. For example: Leaning back, I hear the man behind me mumble, "Gracious my back aches!" I avert my eyes as he massages his hands.
Just by showing, it pulls the reader in more. My favorite part was when the MC prayed. I'd love more of that. Be careful about switching from I to We. When you use I, I can feel the connection and feel like you're sharing with me, but when you switch to We, it feels like you're assuming my feelings are the same as everyone's.
You have done a great job of sprinkling the topic throughout and delivering a clear, Christian message that many can relate to. I like the ending too. You didn't hit the reader over the head with your message but carefully showed it line by line.
I thoroughly enjoyed your entry. You held me riveted with your musings, so much so I wouldn't have thought about Shann's excellent suggestions.

She nailed it! Those great ideas may have turned your entry into an EC winner...not to say it may not go there as it is.

Well done.