The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 71 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
05/20/21
Delightful and well written.

I was able to visualize the scene as if I had been there.

Nicely done.

This is a delightful story. I had to laugh because we can all relate in one way or another. I noticed your formula has a pattern: dialog, speaker doing some action. That's a great way to move story forward, but make sure the action is pertinent to moving the story forward. One example is the beginning. To me it seems more likely she'd say "Here it is!" instead of there since it's in her hand and she's waving it. Then I figured out it was the restaurant to which she was referring not the paper. So instead maybe have her point at the restaurant to make it clearer. The waving is a great way to show excitement, but it confused me. This line: Emma said putting her glasses on to read the vintage menu, doesn't give me any insight into the MC's emotions, so a simple Emma said, would suffice fine. Use these types of lines to show body language and feelings, not just random movement. Becareful of POV shifts. In this paragraph, you slip into Alice's head, but had been in Emma's. A quick edit like this could fix it, tighten it, and show emotions: As Alice walked back to the table, Emma heard other patrons snickering.
Alice smiled and waved, seemingly (by using this word, it keeps it from Emma's POV.) oblivious to the toilet paper trailing behind her from her skirt's waistband.
Emma liked her lips as she scurried her sister back into the bathroom and whispered, "The toilet paper is following you!"
Alice buried her face into her hands. Emma could see the tips of her bright red ears peeking out between her fingers. She patted her sister's back as they developed a game plan.

I liked the idea that the sister rescued her older sister, but I'd have really loved it if after fixing the problem, they both held their heads high, marched back to table, and finished the meal. We all do embarrassing things and sometimes, if we can laugh at ourselves, realize it was funny, but no harm was done and carry on, things aren't as bad as we thought. Although it's a true story so it's hard to rewrite the ending. It makes me sad they missed out on fully experiencing the restaurant because of something embarrassing. I think your take on the topic is fresh and fun. I could picture many of the scenes and I bet this incident was told many times over the years. It was a fun read.
05/25/21
I smiled at your story and related big time!

I worked in a nursing home, and one day I was walking around and heard giggling here and there from the residents. And I even waved to the "big shot CEO" as I walked into my office.

My best friend came running into my office and said, "Camille, you have the longest toilet paper train behind you, along with a pair of pantyhose stuck to your pants."

Well, talk about humiliation!

LOL

Anyhow, I loved your story and the strong bond between the sisters.

Well done,

Blessings~
05/27/21
Thank you This was so much fun to read. :-)