The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
This certainly brought the story of Lydia to life. My only criticisms are there were a number of punctuation errors, and I felt your use of ‘icy, snow covered trail’ was over done.
I enjoyed your entry and thought you did a fine job with the topic. Well done.
I enjoyed your take on the topic. Your beginning pulled me in right away. You do a great job of telling this story. You could show it with dialog, body language, and thoughts, along with verbs that pop. For example instead of walking ferociously, you could say stomped. You go into great detail to show it is winter and cold, but you didn't need to tell the reader that too because you showed it with descriptions. These are all little things that can tighten your story and elevate it into more of a painting. The one thing I question was the gunshots and horses. I assumed by names and storyline that this was set in early Church times when guns and horses wouldn't be around. Maybe instead she could hear screams and pleas. You have a great foundation here though. You do a wonderful job of setting up the conflicts and building the suspense. With some tweaking, this fascinating story has lots of potential.
You wrote a unique, colorful piece. However 'borrowing' your characters from the Biblical True text and putting them in a more modern era confused me a bit. although I did enjoy your story line and all your descriptions.

I also like to suggest reading your entry out loud to your self to catch flow discrepancies.