The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/24/21
I enjoyed your take on the lie that Abram formulated while on the trek through the desert with Sarai.

You wrote-
God had his own agenda; through the falseness of Abram, God as a living God before Pharaoh was proven.

It is a bit awkward. I encouraged another writer to read what they've written out loud to hear if it flows.

Possibly- God had his own agenda; through the falseness of Abram, a living God before Pharaoh was proven.

Also there seemed to be various point of view shifts. From third person to first person. Which can create confusion.

There is a great book available by one of our seasoned writers:

If you are an upgraded member email me at [email protected] and I'll send you a copy.

Bring Your Writing
To Life
A Writer’s Guide to “Show; Don’t Tell”
By Amy Michelle Wiley

In it she demonstrates POV shifts and how they impact storytelling.
You do a nice retelling. I did notice you switched tense at times. A good idea is to ask someone to read it aloud to you. That will help you spot things like that and give you a chance to fix awkward sentences too. Don't be afraid to use dialog, body language, and the MC's thoughts. I like your take on this story. I found it interesting and it made me stop and think.