The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/23/21
This sounds like a series of events that you possibly observed in your own church, but that is merely a guess. I would like to have seen you put this into story form, but it still held my interest.
04/24/21
Unfortunately your story is part of church gatherings and the world in general.

It seems like everyone is trying to sell a product or some get rich quick scheme on the internet, even interrupting inspirational you tube videos. ugh...

Only God is able to discern our true intent, but your main character obviously had ulterior motives.

If your entry is non fiction, you might have considered changing names and creating a story containing various points of view from several character's involved in the main characters deception.
This is an interesting take on the topic. In today's world, there are scammers everywhere. I felt sad that one would abuse the church, but sadder still that the members weren't able to show him the truth. This piece is a good example of telling. I feel like we are talking on the phone. I'd love to feel like I'm watching it unfold on TV instead. You can do more showing by using body language (eye rolls, furrowed eyebrows, licking lips can all show emotion), dialog also helps move the story forward and will pull the reader in. Lastly the thoughts of the MC (make sure it's the Main character, not a minor one that would be a POV shift.) can speak volumes too and make the reader feel invested. Look at the first word of each paragraph. A couple of times you use the same words. Don't be afraid to switch up sentence structure to vary the patterns and help pull reader in. I can feel your passion and your desire to share God's glory with others. You've a unique idea here and with a bit of tweaking it has a ton kf potential. Keep writing!
Well written and you maintained my interest to the end.