The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/23/21
Nothing like prayer and friendship. I enjoyed reading your article. Keep writing.
04/23/21
I enjoyed your story and continued reading it to the end because you kept my attention. You spin a good story.
04/24/21
You wrote an enjoyable and unique story for this topic. I liked your idea of the true and false way!

My 2 cents...you wrote "After two minutes, Serina, my friend, who they were looking for, came out of the shadows"

When I'm writing, I'll often read what I have written out loud to see if it flows.

That sentence was a bit awkward.

Maybe simplifying it:

A few minutes later, my friend Serina came out of the shadows.
This is a great story. You start out with an intriguing conflict and build the suspense as the story unfolds. Using dialog, body language, and thoughts are a great way to paint a picture for the reader. You're off to a great start, but my advice is going probably going to go against everything you've been taught. People don't tend to speak in complete neat sentences. Try to make the dialog sound more authentic with something similar to these examples:
"Where'd she go? Tell me. Now!”
“Ummm, down the path. Next to the river.”
The huge man scraped a knife along the gash on his cheek.
“Show me.”
Rubbing my ankle, I tried to swallow my fear. “Can't walk. My ankle. Ow! It's bad."
These are just quick examples to show how to make language more authentic. If someone is angry, they aren't going to mince words. Likewise, pain and fear can create halting dialog. Although a nervous person or someone lying might ramble on. Listen to dialog around you and jot down what you hear. It's a great way to write authentic dialog. I also tried to sprinkle some body language to help the reader see the picture you're painting. You do an awesome job with this story. You pull the reader in and you have a great message. I like how she tried to lay a false path so they could get away. You've done a great job with this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work.