The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/01/20
Edit again before submitting. A suggestion: use this same line of thought and write a poem.
I understand the darkness for sure. I'm not seeing how this fits the topic, but it would be great for a topic on journey.
05/03/20
You did a good job of describing confusion by your repetitiveness of the consuming darkness. It made me feel the malady of this corona virus as it surrounds all of us with limited light at the end of the tunnel! Check for tenses and passive sentences...you can go to a free site called grammark.org, and paste your submission into it. It has always helped me. Keep writing! God Bless!
You do an awesome job of pulling me into the story right away. You set up the conflict and pull me in. It's a bit wordy and repetitive. You can tighten it up fairly easy. Here's a quick example of what I mean:
I can't believe how dark this forest is and how long I've been here. The outline of the trees looks threatening now, but they had a calming effect in the light. I know the sun has to return soon, but that's of little comfort to me now.
Hopefully that shows how to avoid repeating some words yet still paint suspense and conflict while hopefully maintaining your voice.
At first, I wasn't sure you nailed the topic memory lane, but when I think about it, it's actually quite brilliant. We can often get lost and caught up in our memories and living in the past is a dangerous, scary place to be.

I noticed you switched from first person to second person. Be aware of the universal you. It can take away some of the power of your words, and of course, not everyone will have that universal you experience. When you use the first person, I feel like I'm right there with you, and you do an awesome job of setting the scene. Although there's some minor hiccups, with some tweaking, I think you have a powerful piece that so many can relate to.