The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/24/19
I like your collection of memories. I am not sure, but it seems like English might not be your first language.

A couple of tips - dialogue would help with this. Perhaps a conversation between you and the bullies who wanted your money.

Or a description of the loft where the piano was.

A conversation between you and John.

There were a few places where you missed words (I do it too, all the time!). I am not sure whether you have someone who could read through your work and edit it, but that would help. Also, there are places on the internet where you can copy and paste your work and have the computer read it back to you - that will help with missed words.
It sounds like you've had quite a rough time in your youth. But it seems like you are growing from it and that is a good thing.
10/26/19
Thank you for sharing this with us. I know how it feels to be bullied, I was throughout all my years in middle school and high school. So my heart goes out to you.

It's good that you now can move on and became friends on Facebook. Sometimes, the past is better left, in the "past" and yet for some, in order to have a "future," the past must be reconciled, and it sounds like that is just what you have done.

May God bless you~
Your opening pulled me in. I like how you showed the conflict right away and ended with a satisfying resolution. I'd urge you to use body language, dialog, and thoughts to develop your characters. Even though this is a true story, you can still add dialog and thoughts even though you probably can't remember every word. It's considered creative nonfiction and can add another dimension to your story. You have a solid clear, Christian message that I'm sure many people can relate to.