The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
10/24/19
An interesting story, not quite sure how it links to the topic.

Some things that would help this piece. First, paragraph breaks, and that is true for anything you'd enter here.

But the biggest thing is showing, not telling. You could have shown how tired the mother was with actions - how does she cook? Does she throw a meal into the microwave and call it done?

How does the boy play with the others? If he is younger than him, does he stand to the side and watch? Or if they play football (soccer) do they make him one of the goalposts?

What kind of trouble? How does he deny it?

Read some of the editor's choice winners from previous weeks to see how they write.
10/24/19
A sad story, but probably true of many homes. Corinne has given some good suggestions. Keep writing.
A very common problem in the world. As stated above, Show us the story rather than telling. And breaking up the paragraphs would make it more pleasant to read. Keep on writing!
10/26/19
This tugged at my heart as I was pulled in by the MC's thoughts and days events.

I guess the "boy tries to forget" the situation and moves on with his daily life, and the mom also "forgets" each scenario as she struggles to get by.

Thank you for sharing with us.
Sadly, I've encountered many homes such as this, and know of one right now who is struggling.

God bless you~
My heart breaks as I read this. I know way too many kids are forgotten these days. I also know kids desperately want to forget their mistakes and feel unconditional love. I hear stories about kids like this in real life too often. You've a great foundation for this story.

I'd love to see you build on it more by using body language, dialog, and thoughts. (Be careful you don't hop into more than one character's head though, also known as POV shifts). It could use a bit of tightening to allow more room for those things. Often, I find it easier to learn if I see an example. Next is just a quick way I might suggest some changes if I was editing it.

One day, Mom plodded into the house, mumbling, "Go play so I can make dinner."
Tommy longed for a hug and a kiss. He rubbed his fingers along the edge of his dirty T-shirt as he watched his mom yank open the freezer, grab something, and throw it in the microwave.
Glaring at him, she pointed to the door. "Get out!"
He shuffled outside. <i> Them kids don't wanna play with me. They only like being mean.</i> Still, eager for someone to notice him, he decided even mean words were better than nothing.

I know I took a lot of liberties, but all of those pictures are what I imagined your forgotten boy might do. I tried to paint a picture based on what you told in the second paragraph. If you can do little things like giving the MC a name, sprinkle dialog and thoughts can really pull the reader in.

You've done a great job with what you have already. You told about a few conflicts right away. This pulled me in and made me want to know even more about the boy. Your message is clear and one we need to see in today's world. I do think it was on topic since the boy is forgotten. The mother seems to forget how important it is to love and nurture a child. Many people prefer happy endings, but I like yours because it is realistic. You brought the story full-circle. Keep writing, reading, and comment on as many entries as you can. Those three things will hone your gift even more. I look forward to reading more of your stories.



I know it's disappointing when you don't place, especially if it's the first time you entered, but you really have an amazing concept here. I hope this doesn't discourage you too much. There are some great articles and books that will help you figure out how to show and not tell. If you are at least a gold member in FW, one of the perks is getting the book Bring Your Writing to Life for free. It's written by a fellow FW and it really helped me with making my writing stronger. You have a gift for sure, and we need to hear your words. I'd also encourage to read and make constructive comments on as many articles as you can. Even if you're new to FW and feel you may not have enough writing experience, it doesn't matter because we don't write for other writers, we write for readers, and you've probably been reading since you were really little. I've learned so much by leaving comments and reading other entries. I've learned what does or doesn't work for me and was able to adjust my writing over the years. It's not possible to get a perfect piece in just a week; even now since several drafts are needed to catch everything, but the challenge is a great way to inspire me to write, learn to write on topic, meet a deadline, and tighten my writing. I see so much potential in this piece. I really hope you will continue to write and enter the challenge. I look at my first submissions now and I cringe a bit, even though then I thought for sure they'd be in the top of the ratings. Congratulations for being brave enough to enter. That alone is scary, but you did it, and I hope you keep on submitting!