The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You covered a lot of issues in this entry! I liked the opening paragraph, even though I don't like to eat fish. It was an attention grabber. I read somewhere to read our articles backwards to edit what we wrote. I've started doing this, for I catch misspelled words, double words, spacing problems, and the use of a word too many times. It's a good tool to use.
I enjoyed this entry with an important message.
Well done,
You have some great points in this essay. It does read like an essay though. By adding some personal things, it could change it from great into spectacular. I don't think you need the first paragraph. You want to really grab the reader right away. Instead I might start out with the second one with something like: I've discovered this world is an intricate place. God makes food available through interactions of things coming together perfectly. The farmer needs to plant the correct seed in the ideal location while getting enough water to make the plants grow.
By doing this, you're showing the man vs nature conflict.
I also noticed you switch voices. You start out with I (which is great for this type of writing), but then you slip into the universal you (which is great for a sermon or how-to book, later into plural first person, to third person.) Instead, I'd urge you stay with first person. For example, it's easy to fix: I recall events where floods displaced countless people and decimated property. I watch TV with tears in my eyes, massaging my temples in an attempt to understand. I start to feel a disregard for rain. Crinkling my brow, I think, <i> Why did I ever believe this rain was good? </i> After pondering for quite some time, I shiver at my silliness. Rain is vital. God causes the drops to tumble from the sky to water the earth. I'd be fighting wicked hunger pangs and trying to avoid death if God didn't send the rain.
This isn't perfect. I tightened it some to help the flow, used body language to show emotion, and thoughts to give MC depth. I turned the you and we into I to make it more intimate, like you're sharing a special story with me.
These are little things though that help paint a picture for the reader from the POV of the MC. But you make some great points that make the reader stop and think. You do a decent job of transitioning and pacing the story. You might want to ask someone to proof it for you to avoid typos like bear land instead of either barren or bare and as far instead of as long. But your message is clear and powerful. I think many can relate to this message. You definitely wrote on topic. You've a lot of potential here. Try to read and comment on every entry in this level and the top ten overall (EC). By doing this, you will be able to figure out what works for you and apply it to your own writing. You have some great talent and a genuine desire to spread the Word of God. I look forward to reading more of your work.