The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
I know that pictures can never really show the real devastation when disasters happen, but your words helped put it into perspective.
Love your message and your entry.
Well done,
There are a lot of great liines in this piece. Your first conflict (man vs nature), right in the beginning, pulls the reader right in immediately. Your descriptions are vivid and powerful. However, along that thought, I don't personally care for the author speaking directly to reader. For example in these sentences: Imagine the aftermath of a tornado, only not for a small area, but for hundreds of miles. Look with me at the flattened homes, roofs torn completely off or crushed by a tree. Because I can't go and look with you and you can't include pictures it makes me feel left out. A simple tweak can fix this, and it includes body language, which is a great way to develop your MC: The aftermath of the tornado stretched for miles, I covered my face with my hands in a futile attempt to block out the scene before me. Doubling over, I grabbed my stomach as the bile burned my throat. The sight of flattened homes..buildings evoked much emotion in me. By adding body language, dialog, and thoughts (maybe even a prayer), you can bring your MC to life on the page as well as painting such vivid mental pictures. The foundation is strong. The transitions flow nicely too. Your grammar is great (although okay should be spelled out or both letters capped. OK? There are some extra commas like in first line after show and a missing one after Florida. I use this online resource on a regular basis:
I'm not familiar with the saying 850 strong, so maybe explain what that means and from where it came. Your scripture selection fit in great with your clear, strong message. Another thing I might suggest is instead of using clichés like when it rains... put this in your own words. For example something like this might work: I looked at the area ripped apart and realized bigger trouble often follows disasters. When God rains his mercy on us... The title could then be something in your words like Ripped Apart...The Healing Begins. I think your story comes full circle. You definitely nailed the topic. Although it may feel like I'm nitpicking, it's because I feel your talent oozing out over your words and your passion is palpable. I'd love to challenge you to read and comment on every piece in this level and at least three each in the others. By doing this, you'll be amazed by how much you learn about your own writing and what works for you. I'm excited to read more of your stories. Congratulations on your HC!