The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 82 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
03/14/19
Thank you for this entry that had such an encouraging ending, or shall I say "beginning" for their lives that were now forever changed.

Well don,
Blessings~
03/14/19
Yes, sometimes a blessing can be disguised as a hardship.

This is well-written about a very hard topic.
03/14/19
What a powerful picture of a mother's struggle and desperate situation that, to others, seemed so ordinary and normal.
Surreal in the contrast. And you tied it up with the hope of a new beginnin and blessings to come. Nice job.
03/15/19
It was really well written about a tough topic. The only suggestion I have is that the "He never did. She never went back." doesn't seem to fit where you have it. She's leaving, but that sounds like she's looking back, and then she's on the plane again. Just a small thing, though.
Wow! Powerful story. I like how you wrapped it up at the end with the same line as the beginning.
This is a powerful story with a theme that is too real for too many families. You did a great job of answering the question: why do women stay in an abusive relationship? My red ink is small. You have POV shifts. You are in everyone's head at first, then in the MC's and then back to everyone's again at the end. I understand why you want to do it that way and the effect that everyone is busy in their lives and don't have a clue about her is a powerful effect. Another way you could do this without having a POV shift would be like this: As she ran across the terminal, she was certain every other passenger watched her board, barely catching the plane before the doors slammed shut. After settling her children... Her arms trembled as she dropped into her seat. <i>I bet they think I'm just another busy mother. No one has a clue how rough my life has been. There's no turning back now. </i> The tears began to fall.
That was just a quick example to show how you can still show the others on the plane without shifting the POV. I'm sure if you tweaked it more, you'd be able to come up with something way more potent than my example. Like I said, it's a very small detail, but by being aware of the POV, you'll be able to paint a more vivid picture by using dialog, thoughts, and body language. You already have a firm foundation on which to build. This story reminds me of one of my favorite summer activity. After dark, I walk my dogs and watch the planes. Once I spot one, I start to pray for those on board. I pray for the person who is going to a funeral, the businessman returning home, the couple who are having an affair and now, thanks to your profound story, I'll include the abused woman and her children. I let the Holy Spirit guide me, and I've no doubt I was lead to your story to remember to pray for battered families. God has big plans for your words and I truly believe it might save a life or two.

03/21/19
Congratulations on you 2nd place in the Intermediate category, Jenny.

I am glad this young mother and her children was able to escape from this abusive relationship with her husband. Unfortunately, some abusers won't let their wife/children for any reason because they fear they won't come back or will reveal his secrets.

I also noticed the change of POV (Point of View) of the main character, but Shann made some excellent notes on how to correct it.

Keep up the good writing!