The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 60 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Great story line. Could be developed into a longer story.

The dialogue seemed a little strained to me.

And the part where he says, "I need..." and then she replies TWICE with "you need .." makes her seem cold hearted. She also seems cold hearted in other ways...taking the snack and water and her coat. Not even trying to pull him out. It is obvious she doesn't care for him as he cares for her, and yet she is the one with the Bible and therefore we assume she is the one with the "love of God" in her. The guy seemed far more real, humble and likeable than the girl.

Her personality seems to clash with her faith. Perhaps you intended for this to be the case and maybe a longer story and more detail would clarify the questions that arise in the reader's mind as this is read.

It was STILL a really good story line though. I enjoyed the story. I only share these negative aspects in order to help you see what was in the mind of this reader as I read it.

The story also reminded me how unsearchable are God's ways.

Nice job. Thank you.
12/19/18
Claudia's comments are just what I was thinking as I read the story. I can't write fiction because I don't know how to make a made-up story believable either. But you have a good start and I bet you can find a way to tweak and improve this story so that it accomplishes what you set out to accomplish.