The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/27/18
Great job with the writing. I especially enjoyed your introduction and the way you compared physical weather to internal "mood" weather.
You did a great job of pulling me in. I thought for sure your aches and pains would be the predictor. I like the way you did it though because it feels more original and authentic to your voice. You have a delightful sense of humor. It's subtle, but that's my favorite kind.
The only thing I might suggest would be to skip that opening line. This is a personal preference for me, but I'm not big on having the writer speak to the reader. It's not like you can hear my answer. I'd also be delighted with some dialog between MC and Hubby, body language, and maybe even some internal dialog. For example, instead of stating it, try something like this: Every morning, I scrunch my eyes closed, inhale deeply, move my limbs slowly, search my mind for my mood, and wiggle my tongue (especially during foul weather). Before I open my eyes, I open my mouth. "Today's gonna be cloudy and stormy. Very stormy!" I pop open my eyes and glare at my husband. "Why couldn't you put your dirty socks in the hamper?" I yank the covers off him and onto me. "You're such a bed hog!"

I know I probably took too many liberties, but I wanted to exaggerate it a bit to help make my point. The dialog not only moves the story along, but it brings some depth to your character. I also tried to add some more humor because I sense you're a natural with saying things with just a hint of sardonic chuckles.

You definitely took me in a direction I wasn't expecting. I think you did a fine job of delivering your message. In fact, it's so good, you don't need those questions at the end. Your word choices will do your exclaiming and prompt your reader to think about those words and likely even ask herself many of those exact questions. A story like this is great because it can deliver the message without being preachy. I like to think about what I've just read, and again, my personal preference is not to drill the reader with questions unless perhaps it is a Bible study. I do think you did a fantastic job, and since I'm reading this at the crack of dawn after getting no sleep, you brightened my day substantially. Now instead of a hurricane warning, I'm thinking partly cloudy. Great take on topic. This is one of my favorites so far.
I love your title. It grabbed my attention immediately and drew me in to your story. I found myself smiling as you opened up memories of my late husband (he passed away last September). He was a "morning person", as am I. We enjoyed rising early and spending quality time together before he left for work. When his boss came to pick him up he would often dance out the door humming a little tune. When he got in the truck, his boss would scowl and ask, "what are you so happy about?" That may be your sentiments exactly! Somehow, though, I get the impression that despite you describing yourself as melancholy, you give me the impression that you have a quirky sense of humor that your writing reveals. I wouldn't mind sharing a pretend cup of coffee with you!