The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/08/18
Wonderful approach to the topic in both content and delivery!
Nice job,
Blessings~
02/08/18
Well done! I like how you described that first bite and the delicious juices of the apple with the candy. Also, I liked how you tied that in to the juices of God's love.
I enjoyed this. I liked your take on the topic and thought it was interesting and fun. You had me licking my lips at times.

The one thing I might suggest would be to use more active than passive lines, especially in the beginning and tighten up some of the sentences. For example, I might edit it like this: The sun warmed my face as I strolled through the festival. I inhaled as the delectable smells tickled my olfactory gland; my eyes drank in the colors as the sounds vibrated my tymphanic membranes. As I made my way to food truck row, my mouth started to water. I checked out each vendor. <i>Oohhh, corn dogs. Oh what a treat they were when I was younger. Maybe, I'll get--BBQ! Of course tacos and turkey legs pair nicely with homemade tamales and fried corn-on-the-cob! <i>

You do a really good job of showing instead of telling, I just think you're talented enough to punch it up some. I think you did a great job of writing on topic while keeping it fresh and fun. I enjoyed this piece so much. Your ending was great and it tied everything together. Awesome writing.
Right on topic. I also liked how you the apple juices with scripture. Very enjoyable read.
Thank you.
God bless.
02/10/18
Well done. A good take on the theme and my favourite psalm.
Keep on keeping on. Blessings.
02/10/18
Great piece...I've never heard of fried corn-on-the-cob,but I've got to try it...
02/15/18
Congratulations on your 10th place finish, Angela.

I tasted the delicious juices of the apple right along with you.
02/15/18
Congratulations on your 1st place finish in the Intermediate category and moving up to the Advanced category.
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 10th overall. I enjoyed this story and am happy for you.