The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
06/18/17
Interesting story. A few tips: no need to capitalize village, it would be helpful to review grammar rules on commas and apostrophes found on the Faithwriters site. Blessings on your writing journey.
I really enjoyed this story. You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself. Although the first paragraph was a tiny bit slow, you grabbed my attention soon after and held me to the very end.

I think you missed the topic a bit though. The very end shows a hint of it, but I would never guess relax if I didn't know. I'd like to challenge you to read as many articles as possible. Click on someone's name and pick some articles, but don't look at the topic. See if you can guess it when you don't know.

Another thing I might suggest would be to work on doing more showing than telling. (Technically that is a term more for fiction than nonfiction, but I think this is creative nonfiction so it could apply here as well.) That is something that just takes time and practice. For example, I might edit it like this:

While driving the dusty roads to Oopsville, Sister Belauca's head began to throb from squinting and her arms ached from trying to shade her eyes. <i>Oh, why didn't I grab my sunglasses? It could've been a much nicer ride if I'd only remembered. The crops, horses, and cows should surround me with a sense of peace, but because of the bright sun, I'm tensing up instead of enjoying God's landscape. Live and learn, Belauca. Live and learn. </i>

When she finally reached the big shed, where the service was to be held, she slapped her forehead and groaned. <i>Mercy me! Someone sure blundered. </i> Despite the debacle, she couldn't help but chuckle as she read the sign announcing her purpose for driving all this way: “Revival Worship Service Today with the Exorcist Belauca Anderson.”

Her heartbeat sped up and her legs weakened. <i> I can't believe they said exorcist instead of evangelist. And on my very first time preaching to strangers. Oh well, breathe, Belauca. Live and learn. </i>

I know I threw a lot at you, but sometimes it's easier to see if an example is given. I tried to keep a lot of your words to maintain your voice, but I also wanted to tighten it up some. I used her actions, body language, and thoughts (which I understand you might use totally different ones to fit your MC) to paint a picture for the reader. Also by having her talk to herself it helps bring in the topic of relax a bit more without using that word. Another thing to note is I capped Sister because it is part of her name, making it a proper noun. Likewise you capped Village, but it should be lowercase because it wasn't part of the name.

Despite all of my red ink, I do think you have a strong story here. You have a delightful sense of humor. It's subtle, but that's the kind I like the best.

Your message is a great one too. At first when I read the ending, I wondered if she was being deceitful. I had to stop and think about it. That's a great thing to make your reader stop and think. Eventually, I grinned and thought of the cliché: God works in mysterious ways. It's a cliché because it's true! I decided I did like this ending (although I may have tweaked it with above advice, it was still a great message.) I truly look forward to reading more of your stories and I believe you will grow as a writer so fast. God has great plans for you. Of that I'm sure of. Keep at it. You're doing fantastic.