Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: RELAX (06/08/17)
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TITLE: Revival in Oopsville
By Eneida Moscon
06/15/17 -
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The morning was bright and sunny. Before arriving at Oopsville, sister Belauca drove for three hours on dusty roads surrounded by crops and pastures.
Outside of the big shed, where the service was to be held, a church sign caught Belauca’s attention.
“Revival Worship Service Today with the Exorcist Belauca Anderson.”
She felt her heartbeat speeding and her legs weakening. This was going to be her first experience on preaching outside of her church since her senior pastor didn’t have someone else available. But the real problem was that they wrote Exorcist instead of Evangelist in that sign.
Brother Richard and his wife introduced sister Belauca to the congregation. It seemed that the entire Village gathered inside and around the place. She strengthened herself, took in a deep breath, and began to preach.
Though they didn’t have a microphone, her voice could be heard from the road. She lifted her arms, jumped up and down and walked around the pulpit.
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord, ” she pointed and wagged her finger.
They applauded, gave glory and cried. When Belauca made the call to salvation, many of them came to receive the blessing. Mr. Manoel, a short and slim man, came to the front with his wife and five kids. He confessed and repented of his sin of witchcraft, then he asked Belauca to pray for his deliverance.
“I cast out this evil spirit in Jesus name,” Belauca said and placed her hand over Mr. Manoel’s head.
Mr. Manoel shuddered, kicked his sandals off, and stepped into the middle of the room.
“Aarrgh,” the man screamed.
Some naughty boys ran out the door screaming to their lungs, “it’s the devil, it’s the devil.” Other people got close to the windows and doors. Brother Richard and his wife helped to remove the chairs out of the way, opening space for sister Belauca work on Mr. Manuel.
Sister Belauca drew near Mr. Manuel and placed her hand over his head again. This time, she flinched, and her body stiffened.
“Brothers and sisters, pray for me now,” she yelled. “I’m feeling a terrible resistance for the part of this evil spirit, but I won’t remove my hand from this man’s head, till this awful force goes away.”
Mr. Manoel kept wailing with his eyes closed. His body shook, and his toes curled.
“I’ll keep bearing this pain, and we’ll get the victory,” Belauca said and clenched her teeth.
Sister Belauca and Mr. Manuel rocked back and forth, trembling and screaming.
“I say to you devil, get out in Jesus name.” She pushed her hand on Mr. Manoel forehead, with the last strength left in her arm. The poor man bounced for a while, gave two steps back and opened his eyes. He stretched his body and sighed.
“It is gone, Alleluia!” Belauca screamed. Everybody shouted and praised the Lord.
Belauca’s shoulders sagged with the pain’s relief. She looked at the floor and saw one of Mr. Manoel sandals. She peered around looking for the other when she saw it. She noticed a crack on the cemented floor, and inside of it, she saw an exposed electrical wire. It was right there, where Mr. Manoel had his foot on, few seconds before he was delivered.
Nobody else saw the exposed wire. Sister Belauca blushed, turned and walked back to the pulpit. They finished the service with thanksgiving and prayers for Oopsville. The news about Mr. Manoel salvation and the revival in the Village spread out like fire.
A few days later, sister Belauca took counseling from her senior pastor.
“What could I do Pastor? I couldn’t tell them the truth about the wire…” She said holding back her tears.
“You did well sister Belauca, don’t worry,” Pastor Joe said, snorted, then laughed.
***
*Romans 6:23, NRSV
This article is inspired by a true story
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I think you missed the topic a bit though. The very end shows a hint of it, but I would never guess relax if I didn't know. I'd like to challenge you to read as many articles as possible. Click on someone's name and pick some articles, but don't look at the topic. See if you can guess it when you don't know.
Another thing I might suggest would be to work on doing more showing than telling. (Technically that is a term more for fiction than nonfiction, but I think this is creative nonfiction so it could apply here as well.) That is something that just takes time and practice. For example, I might edit it like this:
While driving the dusty roads to Oopsville, Sister Belauca's head began to throb from squinting and her arms ached from trying to shade her eyes. <i>Oh, why didn't I grab my sunglasses? It could've been a much nicer ride if I'd only remembered. The crops, horses, and cows should surround me with a sense of peace, but because of the bright sun, I'm tensing up instead of enjoying God's landscape. Live and learn, Belauca. Live and learn. </i>
When she finally reached the big shed, where the service was to be held, she slapped her forehead and groaned. <i>Mercy me! Someone sure blundered. </i> Despite the debacle, she couldn't help but chuckle as she read the sign announcing her purpose for driving all this way: “Revival Worship Service Today with the Exorcist Belauca Anderson.”
Her heartbeat sped up and her legs weakened. <i> I can't believe they said exorcist instead of evangelist. And on my very first time preaching to strangers. Oh well, breathe, Belauca. Live and learn. </i>
I know I threw a lot at you, but sometimes it's easier to see if an example is given. I tried to keep a lot of your words to maintain your voice, but I also wanted to tighten it up some. I used her actions, body language, and thoughts (which I understand you might use totally different ones to fit your MC) to paint a picture for the reader. Also by having her talk to herself it helps bring in the topic of relax a bit more without using that word. Another thing to note is I capped Sister because it is part of her name, making it a proper noun. Likewise you capped Village, but it should be lowercase because it wasn't part of the name.
Despite all of my red ink, I do think you have a strong story here. You have a delightful sense of humor. It's subtle, but that's the kind I like the best.
Your message is a great one too. At first when I read the ending, I wondered if she was being deceitful. I had to stop and think about it. That's a great thing to make your reader stop and think. Eventually, I grinned and thought of the cliché: God works in mysterious ways. It's a cliché because it's true! I decided I did like this ending (although I may have tweaked it with above advice, it was still a great message.) I truly look forward to reading more of your stories and I believe you will grow as a writer so fast. God has great plans for you. Of that I'm sure of. Keep at it. You're doing fantastic.