The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
You did a good job of telling a true story that not only fit the topic, but also delivers a powerful message.

Although your opening is nice and ingrained in your memory as important, it's not really an integral part of the story for the reader. It's so important, especially with true stories, to have a neutral party help you snip away things that don't move the story along. Here's a really quick example of how I might suggest to edit this:
My wife and I had returned from a lovely trip only to discover a natural disaster (with the help of a cranky neighbor) had flooded our home.
After entering the house, water swirled around our ankles.
Tears filled my wife's eyes and threatened to add to the water roiling about our feet. She screamed, "What happened?

Dazed, I slapped my hand on my forehead and groaned when the housekeeper replied,"It's rainwater." She backed against the wall and shrugged her shoulders. "Brace yourself, it's throughout the whole house."

I hugged my wife and whispered, "Thank God the kids are safe at school and don't have to see this mess."

Nodding, my wife (use her name to make it more personal) squeezed my hand. "I don't understand why the channels didn't prevent this." She covered her mouth. "Do you think the new landlord blocked the outlets?"

Of course, I realize these are my words, but I wanted to show you don't need to tell the reader about why you went to London, how the interview went, or what you did. Instead, jump right in. I also tried to show how body language and dialog can move the story forward. Also, instead of explaining the back story, I tried to show how to use dialog in creative nonfiction to fill in the history.

You really have a thrilling story here. The only real mistake is you added details that are important to telling the story, but aren't needed when writing it. You're a great storyteller, and with just a few adjustments, you'll be an excellent writer. Read and comment on as many entries as possible to get a take on other styles and then combine what works for you and make it your own. The best way to do that is to leave as many constructive comments as possible. And, of course, keep writing!
Superb job!
Good job on retelling an event that matched the topic very well. Not only do we see what a good neighbor is not, but what a good neighbor would do with the same situation.

I have made it a habit to read and reread my writing out loud before I submit. Take out words or sentence and reread it again. I think that would help to find the unnecessary details.

Nicely written! Keep writing and God bless!