The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
06/11/17
You did a terrible job of making me feel sorry for that little girl. All you did was make me long for the old days of being dirt poor. Great job!

I enjoyed it very much. You some silly mistakes of leaving a word out "a" in " We moved to logging camp town in.."

These little mishaps take away from the flow of the reading. Just reread your work many times to correct that. Let it sit for a day and then go back and reread it many more times.

One other tip is that the dialogue of the little girl didn't seem to me to her age level, especially if she was a poor child.

I really liked the story and assume it was a non-fiction. You brought back some cherished memories. God bless
This is a sweet story. I enjoyed being swept back to a different era. I fell in love with the adventurous little girl.

Your beginning might turn off many people though, and that would be a shame because you tell a good story. The first two paragraphs scream, "Get ready for a lesson!" Most people don't want to feel like the author is preaching at them, especially kids. With some tweaking, this could be an awesome kids' story.
I'd urge you to start with a good hook. Maybe something like: We'd just moved into a logging camp, and Mama rewarded my helpin' by lettin' me go explorin'. At first, dust tickled my throat, but soon I discovered a meadow with bright purple blobs pokin' outta the brush. Grapes! I grabbed a handful and shoved 'em in my mouth. I a'most choked when some lady shaking a broom shouted, "Stop, you little heathen! Whatcha ya doing stealing my grapes?"

I was so'fraid, I a'most peed my britches. Turning around, I tried to swipe the juice drippin' down my chin. "Sorry, lady, I just, ah I just... Well they looked so good; it's like they's callin' my name. Please don't tattle on me. Mama'll whip me fer sure. How's 'bout we make a deal? If I pick' em all fer ya, then it won't be stealin', right? It'll be like a job. I can pay fer the ones I ate. Okay, lady?"

I took a lot of liberties, not just to show you how to start with the conflict right away, but also to show how dialog fitting a poor child who moved a lot in that era can change the whole feel of the story. I chose to use an example from a child POV vs an adult remembering to make it feel less like a lesson. It also is better for a kids' story.

I know it must feel like a huge critique, but since this is my favorite genre to read and write, I see incredible potential in this. If you'd like to rework it just for kids say age 6 to 10 (give or take), it would be great for a Sunday school take-home sheet or even a kids'devotion. You have a wonderful foundation. You could add a Bible verse (maybe not the typical good neighbor one, but one that isn't used as much), add a prayer, and some activities or questions. I bet you could do a whole book of stories like this.

I'd be willing to help you get started if you're interested. I really enjoyed this, and with more of your voice and less of mine, I think it has some great possibilities. I feel God calling you to explore writing for kids. You certainly have the passion.
06/13/17
Great job!
Wonderful entry.
Blessings~
06/14/17
I truly liked your story. I could picture the story as it unfolded and it also reminded me of similar events in my childhood.

I remember as a little girl living in front of a wooded area where we would often go into and pick wild blackberries and raspberries. It was awesome!

And your mention of "a fried baloney sandwich..." My dad always called that hillbilly steak and just the mention of the name brings back the smell of it frying in the kitchen as I grew up.

There is a lot of good advice here to improve on an excellent start so let me just encourage you to keep writing and God bless!