The Official Writing Challenge
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I think this was quite creative. It's definitely something many of us can relate to, even if we don't want to. I've stayed up at night, in a haze just me and my tablet. It's no wonder I ache the next day. ;)

My biggest suggestion would be to really get into your MC's skin. For example some of the dialog feels a bit stilted. I might suggest an edit like this: Cheryl buried her head in Jack’s chest, sobbing. “You're right, Jack, The Holy Spirit warned me, but I ignored it. Instead of listening to Jesus, I allowed my warped ideas to control me."
And
“Oooohhhh! That's a capital offense for sure. They'll throw me in prison for that!"
(I basically changed some words into contractions to make it sound more natural and tightened it up some.)
By putting the MC's thoughts in italics it also helps it stand out more. For example: She caught a hint of her reflection in the monitor. Good grief, when was the last time I combed my hair? She sniffed her armpits, wrinkling her nose in disgust. Pee-yew! When did I shower last?

Those are tiny things (body language, dialog, and internal dialog) that help paint a picture for the reader. The more you listen to others speak, you'll get a feel of how to translate it into your writing. I've even heard of people recording conversations and listening to it to pick up subtle nuances in dialog.

You definitely nailed, not only the topic, but a problem that many Christians are discovering in today's world. You have a nice subtle sense of humor too. Your message was clear, and I enjoyed your story.
05/30/16
Good work!
05/31/16
Great Job!

Blessings~
05/31/16
Great piece and very timely bringing to the forefront how involved we can get on the computer especially on social media. Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest, just a few compromising precious time with Jesus or in prayer and as your piece indicated with family.

I am at fault as well and try to set time limits or take days away from social media.

Blessings as you continue to write.





06/02/16
Congratulations, Kathleen, on your highly commendable placing in the Intermediate category.

Excellent message.I agree with Shann about the emotional connection between the MC and the reader, however.