Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: STEW (11/26/15)
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TITLE: Identity | Previous Challenge Entry
By Rebecca Jefferson
12/03/15 -
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BOOM! Meg’s head hit the roof of her car with the force of the blast. Grabbing her head in pain and the wheel to regain control, she felt her car ease up and down and heard a crude flip, flip, flop emanating from the driver’s side. “Great! A flat tire! Really?!” she hit her hands against the horn. Meg stared across the evening horizon ahead of her. Her eyes happened upon an aging gasoline station on the right.
She maneuvered her car and pulled in between its 1950s style pumps and a deli that shared space with a garage. She came into the rustic yet quaint shop and approached the counter, looking around for the mechanic. Impatient, she tapped a rusted call bell.
“They ain’t gonna respond to that for a while,” said a raspy voice behind her.
Startled, she spun around to face an elderly man sitting at a small table. “Oh...when do you suppose they’ll come?”
“That might be a while...”
“Oh, but I need someone now! I need my tire replaced; it blew out on the road!”
“Ma’am, it’s okay. They’ll come. Worrying won’t make them come no faster. Sit down a bit and relax.”
Hesitating at first, Meg slid softly into the chair across from him.
“You seem to have a lot on your mind,” he observed serenely.
“Oh, do I. I am worked to the bone and unappreciated. I can’t pay my rent. I had a fight with my mom on the phone last week.” She sighed and composed herself. “I’m sorry. I’m dumping my business all over you.”
“It’s okay. I’m just sitting here anyways, doing my usual. Every morning ‘round this time, I find someplace like this, sit, and I talk to God.”
“Wow, haven’t done that in a while. Sometimes it just seems like he isn’t listening, you know?” She sighed in frustration. “When I do talk to God, I tell him about my problems, but it’s like he doesn’t care.”
The old man shook his head. “Miss, do you ever thank the Lord for the good things he’s done for you?”
Meg scoffed under her breath. “If something’s good’s happened to me, I sure don’t see it.”
“You’ve got a lot to be thankful for. You’re alive. You’ve got a job. You’ve got a place to stay. You have a mom. Many folks don’t have none of those things.”
Meg became quiet. She observed this man, who seemed old enough to be her father. His corduroy jacket, torn at the elbow, seemed just as worn as his thinning t-shirt and threadbare jeans. His backpack on the floor next to him had clearly lost a strap.
“God’s been good to me. I’ve been in some rough stuff, but his love’s always been enough.” He paused for a moment and listened to the whirring of an engine in the distance. “That’s my bus. I’ve got to go.” He got up and looked at Meg cheerfully. “Have a good one.”
She nodded without a word and watched him leave. She gazed out the window with his last words echoing in her mind: His love’s enough.
Enough? Then where has God been? she thought.
She noticed a glimmer of something shiny on the floor. Her eyes widened as she realized that this oblong piece of jewelry lay underneath where the stranger had been seated. Dog tags? She grabbed them and ran out the door to catch up with him. By the time she reached the road, all she caught was the dark, hazy smoke the stranger’s bus had suddenly left in its wake.
Watching the bus barrel noisily down the road, she stared down and silently read the inscription on the stranger’s military dog tag. She glanced through the second, newer tag, and felt her eyes well up in tears as she softly read aloud:
March 19, 1965
Returned. Unwanted. Unloved.
August 5, 1972.
Redeemed. Desired. Loved.
**This story is fictional.**
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Well done.
God bless~
Great job!
Be careful about overusing exclamation points, especially the dreaded interabang.
I think you did a great job of developing the characters. As I read about the man, I was entranced, but also I thought I hope he isn't a mysterious stranger. It can be a bit overdone, along with the cliché, it was all a dream. Although you did add a sense of that, it was a little different than the typical stranger so that's always good. Of course, the stranger being overdone is just my opinion. Others might feel totally different.
I think you did a nice job of writing on topic, and the message is clear and powerful. Especially at this time of year, it seems too easy to get caught up in what we don't have. Like the Bible says, give thanks in all things. I'm definitely giving thanks for this charming story.
Your story spoke to me and I am sure to others as well. My concern is for someone who may have missed out on your beautiful message because of the spacing.
Other than that, I was drawn in and could easily visualize the characters and the setting.
God bless~
God bless.