Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: REDUCE (11/05/15)
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TITLE: An Escort for Joshua | Previous Challenge Entry
By Michol Ludwig
11/12/15 -
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I stood at the French doors in my bedroom, wrapped in my favorite robe, and enjoyed taking in the scenery as I sipped a mug of steaming cocoa. I was looking forward to spending time studying God’s Word. My husband had already left for work and I intended to enjoy my day off.
Turning, I mentally checked off all of the things I planned to accomplish after my quiet time with God, when my phone rang, interrupting my thoughts.
Walking to my nightstand, I sat my mug down and picked up my phone, recognizing my husband’s office number.
“Hi Honey, what’s up?” I plopped down on the side of our bed.
“Marcie, it’s Beth.” Something in the tone of my husband’s assistant immediately unsettled me.
“Beth, what’s wrong?” I held my breath, hoping that I had misread her.
“It’s Josh,” she paused. “He has been taken to the hospital. The paramedics suspect he is having a heart attack.”
“What? I, oh Dear God, please let him be OK.” Trembling, I asked her what hospital.
“Canterbury Memorial; do want me to come get you?” Beth offered.
“No, that would take too long. Thank-you Beth; I’ll be fine.”
“Please keep me informed on how he is doing,” she pleaded.
Shaking, I grabbed for my jeans and a sweater. “I will.”
******
While in route to the hospital, my phone rang again. Noticing it wasn’t Beth, or the hospital, I ignored the call.
******
After parking, I rushed through the emergency room doors to find my son-in-law at the registration desk.
Despite breathing hard, I managed to ask, “Jake, how did you find out?”
“I hadn’t left for work yet. I brought Abby in.”
Confused, I asked, “Well how did she know?”
He stifled a laugh, “Mom, doesn’t every woman know when they’re in labor?”
Reeling, I nearly fainted. “Jake, it’s too soon!”
He helped me sit saying, “It’s not looking good; the doctor can’t stop her contractions. She’s already seven centimeters dilated.” Then, looking puzzled, he asked me, “How did you get here so fast? I just left you a message not even twenty minutes ago.”
Trying to catch my breath, I explained about my husband. “I have to find out how he is and then I will find you.” Taking Jake’s hand, I begged him not to tell Abby. “She doesn’t need to be worrying about her dad. She has two precious babies to think about right now.”
I hurried to the elevator after learning my husband’s location. Arriving in the ICU, I met with a frenzy of activity in the hallway. Someone shoved past me with a cart. I frantically grabbed a passing nurse.
“I’m looking for my husband’s room. His name is Joshua Daniel McDonnell.”
“You’ll have to ask at the nurse’s station. I have a code blue in progress,” he snapped.
As he entered a doorway a few feet down the hall, I followed, and then stopped to peer into the room. A privacy curtain was gaped just enough for me to see my husband being resuscitated. I stood frozen, watching. Feeling dizzy, I leaned against the doorframe and prayed. After what seemed forever, the activity stopped and the doctor glanced at a clock on the wall.
A hand on my shoulder startled me. Turning, I faced my son-in-law and saw that he had tears in his eyes.
Briefly forgetting what I had just seen in my husband’s room, I asked about Abby and the babies.
Hanging his head, Jake informed me that Abby was fine.
“What about the babies?” I insisted.
“You have a beautiful grandson Mom.” He hugged me as he began to sob.
“What do you mean grandson?” Not answering, I pushed him away. “Jake, answer me!”
“We lost one. He was just too weak.”
Supporting one another, we crumpled to the floor, reduced to a puddle of tears.
******
Hearing Abby call to me, I am jarred from my memories. “Mom, we’re lighting the candles.”
Entering the dining room, I notice two little cakes with a single candle in each.
“Happy birthday to you...happy birthday dear Daniel…”
I smile at my husband as he takes pictures of our grandson’s first birthday. “Someday you are going to be able to tell Daniel how you escorted Joshua to Heaven.”
Fiction
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Still, this was an awesome but sad/happy story though I'm not sure of how the topic applied.
I enjoyed it anyway.
A few suggestions: I felt that the introduction was a bit too long. Since the overall mood is breathless rushing, you might want to plunge your reader into that a bit sooner.
I also wish that you hadn't given away the "twist" with your title.
There was perhaps one too many scene changes for such a short story, which may slightly disorient your reader--and the twins' names (after their grandfather) made this slightly confusing, also. If you re-write, consider changing their names and eliminating the asterisks in favor of transitional phrases, to get rid of a slight jumpiness.
Those are minor criticisms; this is a fine piece of writing.
Congratulations! A well-deserved win!