The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/12/15
The dialogue between the spouses makes this article come alive.

You could improve the dialogue by leaving most speech tags out. For example, consider this fragment:
“I sure am going to miss the grandkids. They grow up so fast. That little one is a precious doll. I love them all, equally, yet, is it wrong if I say I have a favorite?” Jilly apologetically poses to Harry.

Jilly's words already contain the apology, so you don't have to add that she apologetically poses it to her husband. You can give your reader more credit...:)

You could also work some more on the article's message, but it surely conveys the warm affection between Jilly and Harry. And it is absolutely on topic. Well done and keep writing!
09/12/15
Your story was very realistic, and you did a good job making the reader feel the emotions of the characters. It seemed a little short, though. I think you might have had the extra words available to share more of the trip home with us. Good job, though; it's good when the reader wants more, right?
09/13/15
Energetic and descriptive story which left me wanting more, as you were well within the word limit.