The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/28/15
Your sentences felt too run-on and therefore harder to follow. You also need more white space. It was an interesting way to present the enticement of sin.
08/29/15
Probably needed to separate the paragraphs into smaller ones for ease of reading. Might be a typo in the second last sentence 'tough' is meant to be 'touch'. I thought it was interesting the way you compared Eve to a tourist, and like her, we are can easily fall into a trap being enticed by sin.
08/29/15
You did a great job with the topic and in a super fabulous creative way. I really enjoyed your take and your writing...entertaining and unique.

Well done.

God bless~
I enjoyed your story. You made some great points and I enjoyed the lesson at the end.

The first two paragraphs were all telling. Try to use dialog and body language to paint a picture for the reader. Sharon stood at the railing and her eyes widen as the spray from the Falls turned into hundreds of tiny rainbows. Laughing at the water trickling down her cousin's face, Sharon thought, This is such a beautiful place. I never could have imagined so much force from water.
It's not perfect, but I hope it helps show you what I mean. Notice I put her thoughts in italics.

The switch to Eve was quite sudden and needed a transition. Something simple like this would work: Just like Sharon, Eve fell into a dangerous trap thousands of years before casinos were built.

I do like your message. You did a nice job of highlighting the topic throughout the article. Comparing Sharon to Eve was a creative way to bring in the Bible and to show how humans have fallen into traps since the beginning of time. Nice job.