The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/31/15
There were several grammatical and punctuation errors, and clichs. You could have made an exciting story even more so with just a little more effort. Nevertheless, I enjoyed it.
I enjoyed this tale. You did a nice job of foreshadowing a disaster. I found myself holding my breath as I waited for something bad, really bad to happen. You didn't disappoint. It reminded me of the horrific train crash near Philadelphia a few months ago.

Make sure events are in the correct order. For example, I might suggest this switch: As soon as she got out of the cab, we greeted each other with a high five, and then we dashed to catch our train.

I liked the MC's epiphany. It felt real and genuine. In my opinion, the monologue by the man was too much. It would have helped if it had been broken up by body language (He covered his face with his hands and sobbed so hard he started to hiccup.) That may have helped some, but I still think the MC's thoughts really showed the wonderful message that you were making. The man made me feel like you were trying too hard, and you didn't need to because you'd done a great job with that point already. Remember that's just my opinion and others could see it differently. Perhaps if the man had his speech first and because of his words, the MC crumpled to the ground as her epiphany knocked the wind out of her lungs and her soul, it might not have felt too preachy to me.

With that said, you did so many things right. You nailed the topic. You had a clear message and you backed that up with Scripture. Your beginning intrigued me and pulled me in, eager to continue reading. I thought that first line was brilliant. I really liked it, and it created a great picture and set the tone. I think we all need a reminder from time to time about putting God first. I know I do, and your story inspires me to do just that. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
07/31/15
Interesting fast moving and absorbing tale that had me from beginning to end.

Well done.

God bless~
08/06/15
Congratulations!

God bless~