The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/27/15
Your description of getting on to the ferry was very interesting but I didn't get the message of how you really encouraged the woman. That you were available and used by God came over but not what truly changed the woman.
I enjoyed this story. You did a great job of painting a picture for me. I felt like I could almost feel the characters' emotions myself.

I stumbled over a few lines and had to reread them. I will often ask someone to read my story aloud or read it aloud myself. If I notice a stumble, it's a good chance the line needs reworking. For example, I might tweak this line like this to help it flow better: In the early-morning darkness, I heard my husband sigh. (It also makes the second part active instead of passive.)

This is a wonderful example of how God can use us in ways we might not anticipate. I enjoyed your fresh take on the topic. This is a great example of writing on topic without using the topic words. I enjoyed the ending too. You had some great descriptive lines. I think my favorite was Even her clothes seemed to sag. What a wonderful way to set the atmosphere. I enjoyed this from beginning to end.
I don't usually read other comments before I comment so not to influence me. I think you did tell what the MC and the women talked about that lifted her spirits, but I can also see how one might miss it. In the beginning, you used actual dialog and body language to move the story forward. Near the end, you did more telling than showing. I'm sure part of that was the word limit. I'm also guessing this is a true story so it makes it harder to figure out what is vital to the story and what can be omitted. I'm sure in your head, it's closely related. What I might suggest for this piece would be to leave a lot of the details out in the beginning. Perhaps just mention running back in for the tracts, the husband's impatience, and then the dropping off. That would leave you a couple of hundred words to use dialog and to do more showing in the heart of your story. Though the first part was well-written and interesting, it really wasn't vital for the reader to know about the upcoming surgery or the waiting in the truck or visiting the daughter. By emphasizing the conversation, emotions, and body language, it would make it easier to visualize the second half. I still want to stress that I think you did a fine job. It almost felt like there were two separate stories, one in the truck and one on the ferry. Don't get discouraged though. Learning to write a 750 word story takes time and practice. When I first started, I'd have to cut 2,000 words or more. Now, I've gotten better and usually only need to cut 200-300 words. I did enjoy this piece and can feel the passion in your words. Your message also comes out loud and clear without feeling preachy. :)