The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/18/15
I very much appreciate the detail you've added here--the spatters of mud, the pressed uniform. I also enjoyed your word choices: flagging, gnaws, laments. The content of this entry is very strong, and your writing shows great potential.

A few minor tweaks to note: If you manually add extra 'enter's at the end of each paragraph while you're in the 'submit' box, you'll get the much-needed white space between paragraphs. In addition, you might want to put characters' thoughts in italics; it's easier to read that way (and that's the current standard for most writing). Avoid using exclamation points in narrative; they're best used for excited utterances in dialogue.

You've done a fine job of tying in the spiritual lesson to the narrative at the beginning. I enjoyed this entry.
05/19/15
I love the comparisons you draw here.

Towards the middle, you suddenly step out of the story about the war to address the reader, and then go immediately back to the story. It would have been best to eliminate that diversion, and saved it for the end when you switch to the "lesson" part.

Great job with this.
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