The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/07/15
I loved this entire piece and the message it brings forth.
Well done.

God bless~
05/08/15
A couple of mistakes but a wonderful story, well-told.
Sweet story of courage! Good message that fits the topic. I love the ending.
I love this story. You started off right away with the conflict and it drew me right in. Your dialog, actions, and word selections created vivid pictures for me.

The only red ink I'd offer would be to do it even more. For example in the beginning, put the thoughts in present tense and use italics to show they are thoughts like this:
My twelve-year-old mind somersaulted in confusion. What's happening? Why isn't Pa working?
I know it can cut into your word count to add actual dialog and actions, but go for it at first, then go back to cut any words that aren't vital to the story. I used to have to cut up to 2,000 words, but now only a couple of hundred.

I loved the fresh way you tackled this topic. It was interesting and creative. It would make an outstanding kids' story while still entertaining the adults. It's a perfect subject for today's world. You held my attention from the first word. This is one of my favorites so far this week.
Congratulations on ranking 1st in your level and 12th overall! Happy Dance!