The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/07/15
Love the way you presented the topic! Well done.

God bless~
I enjoyed this piece. You did a nice job of combining a testimony with a poem. It's not always easy to do, but I think it worked well here. Your beginning showed the conflict that many of us wrestle with and sometimes the clock can come out the victor. I'm not a morning get person, but you've opened my eyes and I definitely need to focus on praying first thing. Then, I believe I'll be able to complete the plans God has for me.

It can be quite difficult to write in the present tense. I noticed you slipped into the past tense a few times. The first example is when hubby responded instead of responds. I also noticed you are missing commas sometimes, particularly after an introductory clause. For example:
Startled by the shrill sound of the alarm, Sherees head jerks from her pillow.
Just that tiny comma can make it easier to read.

I liked how you showed in spots how and what the MC prayed. Some people have no idea how to pray and I like pieces that show it. I think you could have done it even more while mixing in actions and emotions. For example: Squinting to see the red glow of the alarm, she nibbled on her lip. I guess four AM is pretty early, but this prayer time gives me hope for the day ahead. Bowing her head she clasped her hands. Thank you, Jesus, for another glorious day.

You definitely nailed the topic. I could feel the genuine love in your words. The message is perfect for today's world. It can be so easy to get caught up in the problems and busyness. Praying definitely makes a huge difference in how the day goes and how we perceive the events of the day. I did like your poetic prayer at the end. It filled me with hope and left me with a sense of peace.
05/08/15
Excellent. I noticed a few small errors but they can be corrected. A very convicting piece.
05/12/15
You did very well with imagery--I could easily imagine this early morning scene as rendered in your first several paragraphs.

Many of your sentences have a very similar structure--an introductory phrase describing a character or her action, then the part of the sentence containing the main subject and verb. While there's nothing wrong with this sentence structure, it begins to give your piece an overall 'sameness' that is somewhat distracting. Your first seven sentences all have this same structure, as do several other sentences in the entry.

Avoid the use of exclamation points in narrative--they're best reserved for excited utterances. Within the narrative, it's best to use strong word choices, rather than punctuation, to indicate strong emotion.

In your poetic couplets that close the piece, work on being more consistent with meter.

I loved reading about this character's strong desire for time in prayer--this came across loud and clear.