The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/30/15
I enjoyed this on topic entry with a powerful ending that lends way to hope and light.

God bless~
05/01/15
Very strong and descriptive story.
05/01/15
Inspiring. I thought it was well done.
05/04/15
This is lovely, and I have very little red ink for you. You did a fine job of appealing to your readers' senses without being overly descriptive, for example.

Just a few things to note--you're inconsistent with your commas, especially those after introductory clauses. Sometimes you included them (With aching bones and a chill of terror, I paused...), but sometimes you left them out (As I walked an unfailing reaction returned...). In addition, your flow would be improved if thoughts were rendered in italics. Sometimes you had them as plain text (Oh, if only life could be different) and sometimes you had them in quotes ("Help me.") Italics make it clearer to your reader that you're thinking or praying.

You did a fine job with some of the most important things for a writer--word choice, varied and interesting sentence structures, the flow of the events and the satisfactory resolution. Well done!
05/07/15
Congrats,
God bless~
05/08/15
Your story points out how a still small voice can leave a loud and clear message. It also teaches me that we do desperate things when we get desperate for God. I read your story several times and was drawn in by the drama of being lost and alone in the dark. Your descriptions were vivid. One thing I noticed was that when you (or your character) fell down, you did not mention getting back up, so for the next couple of lines I imagined this person wounded and crawling around for a foothold. Also when you said your feet could not keep up with your mind, you probably could have left off the next sentence because it is slightly repetitious. Perhaps you might say that your feet could no longer keep with the wild thoughts surging through your mind. Anyway, I got the message and I think it is a good one.