The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/30/15
I love Biblical reference stories...great job with the topic and with your retelling.

God bless~
05/01/15
You made this biblical account come to life. Well written.
05/01/15
Interesting way to make a Bible story easily understood. With simpler language, it might be a great children's book.
05/06/15
This is a very good way to freshen readers' memory of a Bible story--the addition of a few more characters and some emotional context really brings the story to life. In addition, you did a good job with imagery.

I found that many of your sentences we awkward--overly long and lacking in punctuation, particularly in commas. If you intend to publish this, I recommend that you work with someone to find the proper place for commas, especially after introductory clauses and to set apart adjectival phrases. In addition, introducing scripture within the paragraphs of biblical fiction is jarring--we're immersed in the story, and then your voice interrupts with the Scriptural passages. They'd be more effective as an author's note at the end.

Finally, you may want to examine your use of adverbs, and cut them by half.

This kind of biblical fiction is particularly effective for people who have heard the familiar stories for years--it sheds new light on what might have been, and makes the biblical characters more than just faceless people on a page. Well done!
05/07/15
Congrats,
God bless~