The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 473 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
07/17/14
Love this!
Great writing here. Well done.
07/19/14
Great story, strong characters, good dialogue. Well done.
07/19/14
Adorable! Great use of the topic and flowed beautifully from start to finish. Well done!
07/19/14
Wow...you nailed the topic beautifully with this awesome story. Me thinks me smells a winner. Great job.
Oh, this was so wonderful to read - you drew us readers into this conversation with such reality and natural flow, it was a pure delight to read. I loved the childish innocence, honesty, questions and acceptance you portray so well - I love the truth of God that shines here. Really great writing - no red ink I'm afraid!
Oh I love this piece. It's so sweet and takes me back to those days (and maybe I don't miss them as much as I thought since it's easy to forget the sleepless night:)You made me smile and I held on to every word. The only red ink I have is minor--make sure you write out numbers like five (some say to hundred, but all agree at least to ten). Also, I'm going make and forth because you don't put the hyphens in unless it's modifying a noun like a five-year-old girl, but I'm trying to decide if the word girl or daughter is intended since you use the word my. I think some might differ on this, but I believe if I were editing, I'd definitely write out five and probably take out the hyphens. I loved the way you wove the topic so brilliantly throughout the entire piece. There's no doubt that you nailed the topic and left me with a warm feeling.
07/19/14
This slice of life story was as warm and comfortable to me as that bed you kept referring to.

Your characterization of the child was spot on, and your dialogue and inner monologue were both effortless and natural.

I wanted to give you some constructive criticism, after you so earnestly requested it in your thrown brick, but I just wouldn't change a thing.

Excellent job!
07/20/14
A great entry and very well crafted. I loved the hook:

“Mommy!”

I jolt awake. Sarah.

How could you not read on?

You make it hard asking for red ink when you write so well. lol

I agree with Shann about 5 vs five; I think it should read "... my five year old." But that is a small, small error and I may even be wrong.

Being really nit-picky, and this is the sort of thinking I apply to my own writing, I'd re-look at para seven.

In context, you see the tousled curls, wide open eyes and lonely tear (which I love) before the girl sits up; depending of course on how one reads it. I would either change those two sentences around, sitting her up and then seeing these things, or I would change the second sentence very slightly (My little girl is sitting up...)

But like I said, nit-picky just to try and help.

An excellent read.

Blessings.
07/20/14
Lovely story - good and believable use of dialogue. I also love it when thoughts are intertwined within dialogue - revealing inner conflict, or the perceptions of the protagonist. Good job.
07/21/14
I think you captured the topic very well. Awesome!
07/21/14
Very sweet and well written. Just FYI: there is debate about the use of 'alright'. My editor doesn't like it. Here's what the dictionary says.

"The form alright as a one-word spelling of the phrase all right in all of its senses probably arose by analogy with such words as already and altogether. Although alright is a common spelling in written dialogue and in other types of informal writing, all right is used in more formal, edited writing." I guess it depends on the house.
07/21/14
Truly excellent writing along with a wonderful story.

Nicely done.

God bless~
07/21/14
Very precious and tender scenario.

You did a wonderful job with the MC's 'lightbulb' moments.
Exquisite. You will be in the Masters' level very soon, methinks . . .
Even many of us older writers can relate to this family scene.

Even in the dark of night the Holy Spirit can help us in knowing what to say. God was so good when he left the Comforter with us to help us.

I liked your style of story telling.
07/24/14
Congrats!

God bless~
Congratulations on ranking 2nd in your level and 15 overall. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.