The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Perhaps a little overdone on the adjectives, particularly in the paragraph describing the verbal assault on Lori, but otherwise an excellent story with a vital lesson taught. Good work. I'd never heard the word "Fleshian" before, but it certainly is a good one.
I think this is a brilliant allegory about light and darkness. Oh how often we can be one person by day, yet totally different at night. It's a great take on the metaphorical and literal take on the topic.

The biggest suggestion I would offer would be to start off with the teasing. In today's world, where another story is just a click away, it's vital to start with an attention-grabbing line. Your school scene would be perfect to open, then she could recall when she sees Danny.

Also, you may want to double check some of the punctuation rules. Things like a light-haired girl need a hyphen. The rules about quoting and proper punctuation can be difficult to remember too. I have a thread on the Open Forum of the message boards called Grammar links that I need to refer to on a regular basis.

I loved your message. Bullying is way too commonplace. I like that she was brave enough to confront him. I also liked how she studied their faces. It made it suspenseful. I wasn't sure if she was committing them to memory so she could retaliate or pray for them. Your story offers an alternative solution than the sad ones we hear about on the news. There is nothing more we can do than pray. Great piece.
Wow! This was an amazing piece in its message. It kept me riveted from beginning to end.

This piece brings a myriad of truths forward, starting with hypocrisy. Sadly, too often many people are guilty of "public angel" while preaching and then don't walk the walk when it gets down to the nitty gritty.

I found this a fascinating and well written entry that I hope gets the judges attention.

God bless~
Wonderful story that makes us all think about those times we see our brothers or sisters in similar hypocritical situations.

Well written and to the point.

This message is so powerful and relevant to not only our young people, but also our seasoned brethren.

Peter can testify to this.
Excellent portrayal of the choice we must each make. You did a good job with this. Keep up the good work.
This was a very good story to illustrate a point.

The point is that we each and all have to answer that question to ourselves now. If we don't do it now, we will on the day of judgement.

Very well written. We all need to keep our heart in heaven and our eyes in his word.
Congratulations on ranking 6th in your level. The highest rankings can be found on the message boards.