The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
07/17/14
It's a wonderful privilege to be able to tell the story of Jesus. Great lesson here: serving the Master is not a 9 to 5 job but a 24/7 blessing. Well done.
I remember hearing someone say, "I don't get tired of the work -- I get tired in the work." Your MC certainly fits that statement. I enjoyed reading this.
Your story shows two cultures trying to bond around the central figure, Jesus.

You did well to include both the young and old.

I am concerned about the length of time Paul has been in this setting. At times it appears he has been present a good length of time but at others it seems he has just recently come upon the scene. ... but keep writing. This may not really matter.
The beginning was delightful. I instantly had a picture in my mind. The conflict of being tired, yet needing to obey God was quite intriguing and encouraged me to read on.

I noticed some tiny things. I think you meant yoke not yolk. I also noticed some spots where commas should be used. There are a couple of threads on the message boards that will help with that. Check the Open Forum under Jan's Writing Basics and Some Grammar Links. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Your piece had a clear, powerful message. You nailed the topic in a fresh and interesting way.
07/21/14
Despite the minor technical errors, your story brought out the yearning to be like Paul. We all have the desire to live his dedicated life, but do we have the commitment. I enjoyed your story very much. Look forward to your future writings. God Bless.
07/21/14
Excellent message, well done.

God bless~