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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Facepalm (05/15/14)
“It was all I could do when I found out about what had happened. I just opened the front door and saw the cop standing there. The look on his face said it all. He asked if he could come in and talk to me for a moment. I just stood there with my hands over my open mouth and didn’t move. I knew why he had come. It seemed like an eternity that I stood there. I wasn’t crying at that point but when he finally said it, I broke down.”

“Thank you, Sharon. We understand how hard it is for you to share this time in your life. Can you continue?” Counselor Ann looks at me sympathetically but her eyes are urging me to continue so I nod.

“He told me that my husband and children had been in an accident. He said they were all gone.” I pause because the memories of that day are still fresh in my mind.

“Sharon, your family’s death is a tragedy that many of us cannot understand. The depth of your pain over such a loss is unimaginable; However, it is not the loss of your family that actually brings you to our group, is it?” The young counselor is wanting me to get to the point.

“That’s correct. That is not why I am here.” The looks on the faces of those around me are of bewilderment. Everyone in this group meeting has lost loved ones.

I continue, “The police officer eventually left and I was left sitting alone in my dining room trying to come to grips with everything he had told me. I wanted to call my husband ironically but couldn’t, of course. Around the house were toys scattered. I noticed my husband’s work shirt thrown over the kitchen chair so I could wash it. Everything thing around me reminded me of them. I sat in the same spot for hours just crying. I couldn’t move.”

Counselor Ann tips her pen to me to continue. “I finally got up and went out in to the garage. The lighter fluid caught my eye so I grabbed it. I squeezed it all around the house and lit a match to it. I stood in the middle of the fire waiting for it to consume me. All I wanted to do was die. Just as the flames were mere inches from me and the house was falling in around me is when it happened.”

Everyone is waiting on me so I go on, “A person appeared in the fire but they weren’t burning. It was a man and he was very tall. He was wearing a gold necklace with a ring on it. He told me that my children were okay and that they were safe but that my husband was not. He told me that if I die in this fire, I wouldn’t be okay. He said I would be with my husband and that every minute of every day I would suffer alongside him. He was talking about hell. My husband was in hell. He walked up to me and told me that I have a choice right now and I cried to him that I wanted to be with my girls. The flames were getting closer and I could feel the heat. My hair was beginning to burn and this man wrapped his arms around me and laid on top of me on the floor. He talked to me the whole time and finally asked me if I believed in Jesus. I said yes. He asked me if I believed Jesus died for me and I said yes. He asked me if I believed Jesus rose from death and I said yes. Later I woke up and the man was gone. A fireman was pulling me from the remnants of my smoldering house. When I was in the ambulance, the paramedic handed me something and told me that I was going to be okay and that my neighbor gave them this to give to me. I looked in my hand and it was a necklace. It was the same necklace the man in the fire had been wearing. I looked closer at the ring and saw that it was my husband’s wedding band.”

“Show them, Sharon.” Counselor Ann instructs me and I pull from under my shirt the gold necklace and ring.

Everyone around me is in awe, many with their hand over their face.
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This article has been read 725 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
C D Swanson 
05/22/14
Wow! This one gave me chills! Excellent job. I always have hope that during the millennium the lost will still have a chance to be "saved."

Loved this. Well done!

God bless~
Yvonne Blake 
05/27/14
Chilling!

This pulls the reader right into the story with recounting of the experience. Well done!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/29/14
Wow this is a powerful story. I found myself trembling as I read. You did an outstanding job of bringing your characters to life.

I've often heard experts say not to begin with dialog because it doesn't give the reader a chance to visualize the setting. I don't always agree, but in this story, I think a brief introduction might have helped me relate a bit sooner. This is just an example to show you what I mean: With my head down, my eyes dart around the room. I take a deep breath and am positive I can smell the grief and guilt oozing from each member who is sitting in the half circle. I jump a little when the leader calls my name. Twisting the tissue in my hand, I force myself to look up. Once more I inhale, but this time I start to share my story.

It's not perfect, but I hope it shows what I mean by establishing the setting as well as giving the reader a peek into the MC's emotions. You do an excellent job with the dialog. I can feel the pain of the MC and even a touch of pity from the others. You did a great job of nailing the topic in a fresh and creative way. All kinds of emotions and thoughts tumbled out of me as I read. You did an incredible job with this one.