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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Digital Detox (04/24/14)
The screen fades to Lloyd working on his computer in his family room. Suddenly, there was this voice. "Stop, beating me, on me, please."

Maggie, his wife, who was washing dishes in the kitchen. "Lloyd, what did you just say?"

"I didn't say anything; the computer just spoke to me."

Maggie strolled out to the family room and stood next to Lloyd. "The computer doesn't have a sound card." She rolled her eyes. "There's no way it could speak to you."

Lloyd gritted his teeth as he turned around to look at his wife. "Honey, I heard it with my own ears."

Veins bulged on Maggie's forehead. "Stop lying to me! You said it, not the computer."

Lloyd picked up his mouse and tossed it down on the pad. "I'm not lying; I heard it talk to me."

Maggie shook her head. "Lloyd, either you're lying or hallucinating. You spend way too much time on that computer."

Lloyd beat really hard on the keys of his PC. "Maggie, I'm a guy, men need to have their toys."

"I am tired of fighting over the stupid computer, it's destroying our marriage."

Lloyd spun around and glared at his wife. "No, it's not. When are you going to understand that I need this computer?"

Maggie started to cry. "Maybe it's time for us to split up." She stormed out of the room.

The screen fades to a shot Lloyd sitting in darkness. Lloyds head is down and then he looks up into the camera. "My wife badgered me to see a psychologist as a result, I went to the Computeron Treatment Center. I didn't realize that I had a problem. The doctor diagnosed me with a computer addiction. When I came home from work I would sit in front of my PC until midnight. I would go to my son's basketball games with my laptop. My wife and I fought constantly. It was at Computeron, that I rededicated my life to Jesus. I attend church every week, and my relationship with my wife and kids couldn't be better."

The screen fades back to the family room. Maggie is at the computer and Lloyd is sitting on the sofa.

Maggie was typing away on the keyboard when she heard this. "Stop, beating on me, please."

Maggie's face started to turn white. "Honey, did you hear that?"

"Yes."

Tears flowed from Maggie's eyes. "I am sorry. Maybe, I have an addiction too."

The screen fades to black, and the lights come on in the sanctuary, and the congregation is silent.
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This article has been read 687 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/01/14
I think this is a brilliant idea. I took it to be a reality TV show which fits the times so well. The idea of rehab center for digital doodads and then filming it for the world to see was a great take on the topic.

The only red ink I have is maybe to use a word like smacked the keys instead of the phrase beat really hard.Perhaps some more signs of withdrawal might have hammered your point home too. For example perhaps when the computer talked he could have grabbed his iPad and have the battery die and start shaking from withdrawal.

Overall though I think you did a great job on what I thought was a difficult topic. I did like the surprise that it was being shown in church. Including some of the congregation's response like a blushing face or a wife elbowing her husband in the ribs would have shown of your twist a bit more. I think you did do a nice job of being creative and thinking outside the box while still highlighting an important message. Your beginning was good too with the immediate conflict and bit of suspense to pull the reader in. Well done.
C D Swanson 
05/03/14
Excellent! I found this a compelling and well written read, with a powerful message.

God bless~
Larry Whittington
05/07/14
I liked the "play like" scene changes.

In the first paragraph you said "his family room". Later you used "the family room". You probably meant "the family room" both times.

Also, I would have the computer say exactly the same thing both times it spoke.

Interesting play lines.